I sat this morning. First time for a week I think. In the last five minutes a blackbird started singing above the sound of rush hour traffic.
It seems that I simply have to accept that there are some days that I am unable to sit. And let that be. Maybe on these days I have to settle for a few mindful breaths ....that just may be how reality is.
I walked out of an abusive temp assignment yesterday on the 2nd day. First time I've ever done that. There was a lot of chaos, swearing and shouting. Up till now however difficult the assignments are I have always gone through to the end. Until this week. Feeling very shaky.
Things may be moving forward on the house front though ....
Oh, Mary: that sounds like progress on THREE counts. (First, sitting yesterday; second, forgiving yourself for not being able to sit everyday; third, walking out of that abusive situation.)
Sitting everyday is an ideal...but the very defition of "ideal" is "something you aim toward but don't always reach." If we were monks or nuns, meditation would be our full-time job. But as lay-people, juggling work & practice & family is our full-time job. So it doesn't seem fair to judge ourselves by a monastic ideal, only by a human one.
All this being said, I wasn't able to sit yesterday. Teaching days are long and grueling enough, so sometimes I don't have/find the energy for practice. So, we'll chalk yesterday up as an opportunity for self-forgivenness, and today's a new chance to start over. Guilt, fortunately, is optional. :-)
Lorianne, thanks for the explanation and support ... very helpful. I like the idea of looking at the lapses as opportunities for self forgiveness rather than opportunities for self flagellation.
The last few days the constraints on sitting have been internal rather than external pressures. Just extreme restlessness and agitation. Maybe it would be good to have a goal of say 3 minutes rather than 20. I did start off here with a low (more realistic?) goal but it crept upwards because I benefitted from the longer sessions.
However, you start where you are I suppose.
Jean, if you are reading, I was partly inspired to sit this morning by your post yesterday about sitting immediately you got out of bed. Hope things are a bit better.
Mary, I truly & deeply believe that the first place where we learn compassion is by practicing it on ourselves. If I can learn to cut myself slack--if I can learn to recognize that sometimes I'm my own worst enemy, I'm trying my best, and tomorrow I'll try, try, try again--then it's easier to be similarly compassionate with other folks. Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself," so if you don't love yourself, how can you love your neighbor? I know from personal experience that much/most of my crankiness toward other folks is rooted in rigidities I feel toward myself, so "loving ones neighbor" and "loving oneself" are intimately connected, I think.
Interesting thoughts on compassion, Lorianne. I've always found it so much easier to be more compassionate toward others than with myself. I keep looking at that, of course.
(((Mary))) Sorry you had to experience such a nasty temp assignment, however briefly. The decision to walk out sounds tough, but right. And I'm glad to hear things might move forward; I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed!
Compassion for oneself (along with "begin again") is one of the most revolutionary and liberating concepts I've learned on my vipassana journey. Not that I always remember, but...
6 Comments:
I sat this morning. First time for a week I think. In the last five minutes a blackbird started singing above the sound of rush hour traffic.
It seems that I simply have to accept that there are some days that I am unable to sit. And let that be. Maybe on these days I have to settle for a few mindful breaths ....that just may be how reality is.
I walked out of an abusive temp assignment yesterday on the 2nd day. First time I've ever done that. There was a lot of chaos, swearing and shouting. Up till now however difficult the assignments are I have always gone through to the end. Until this week. Feeling very shaky.
Things may be moving forward on the house front though ....
Love to all.
Oh, Mary: that sounds like progress on THREE counts. (First, sitting yesterday; second, forgiving yourself for not being able to sit everyday; third, walking out of that abusive situation.)
Sitting everyday is an ideal...but the very defition of "ideal" is "something you aim toward but don't always reach." If we were monks or nuns, meditation would be our full-time job. But as lay-people, juggling work & practice & family is our full-time job. So it doesn't seem fair to judge ourselves by a monastic ideal, only by a human one.
All this being said, I wasn't able to sit yesterday. Teaching days are long and grueling enough, so sometimes I don't have/find the energy for practice. So, we'll chalk yesterday up as an opportunity for self-forgivenness, and today's a new chance to start over. Guilt, fortunately, is optional. :-)
Lorianne, thanks for the explanation and support ... very helpful. I like the idea of looking at the lapses as opportunities for self forgiveness rather than opportunities for self flagellation.
The last few days the constraints on sitting have been internal rather than external pressures. Just extreme restlessness and agitation. Maybe it would be good to have a goal of say 3 minutes rather than 20. I did start off here with a low (more realistic?) goal but it crept upwards because I benefitted from the longer sessions.
However, you start where you are I suppose.
Jean, if you are reading, I was partly inspired to sit this morning by your post yesterday about sitting immediately you got out of bed. Hope things are a bit better.
Mary, I truly & deeply believe that the first place where we learn compassion is by practicing it on ourselves. If I can learn to cut myself slack--if I can learn to recognize that sometimes I'm my own worst enemy, I'm trying my best, and tomorrow I'll try, try, try again--then it's easier to be similarly compassionate with other folks. Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself," so if you don't love yourself, how can you love your neighbor? I know from personal experience that much/most of my crankiness toward other folks is rooted in rigidities I feel toward myself, so "loving ones neighbor" and "loving oneself" are intimately connected, I think.
Interesting thoughts on compassion, Lorianne. I've always found it so much easier to be more compassionate toward others than with myself. I keep looking at that, of course.
(((Mary))) Sorry you had to experience such a nasty temp assignment, however briefly. The decision to walk out sounds tough, but right. And I'm glad to hear things might move forward; I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed!
Compassion for oneself (along with "begin again") is one of the most revolutionary and liberating concepts I've learned on my vipassana journey. Not that I always remember, but...
Lorianne, it is so helpful when you remind us.
Warm thoughts to Jean, Mary, and Stray.
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