Good morning everyone. I've just been catching up on y'all. Sounds like Jean you are going through a particularly difficult time at the moment. All I can say is well done for showing up here. And Barbara from a week or so back. Big resonances and love.
I have been sitting occasionally, sometimes just for 5 minutes. I loved 'guilt is an option' from lorainne (damd, is that the right sp?) yesterday.
Just back from a 4 day trip to see my mother which was very very hard. In some small ways I saw just that; also that being sucked into someone else's guilt trip is also an option. It was such a lovely beginning and then the visit became more and more like walking through a hall of distorted mirrors. Also, I felt tremendous sadness at a beautiful soul ravaged by bitterness and disappointment.Remembering to breathe and be present in my body occasionally helped alot in terms of reaction. However of course it doesn't make the feelings go away. Perhaps it allows them to come.
We are in complete chaos at home. there is no space to eat or sit or work as all is being knocked down and rebuilt. We are going to have the most stunning kitchen one day! So my meditation practice has been gazing at terra cotta tiles I am scraping. Jogging in the morning, though not a walking meditation, I try to make into a running prayer to nature instead of thoughts running me. It is an amazing barometer of my mood and energy. Another way to check in. I sometimes sit for 5 minutes in front of the mountain afterwards.
weirdly I was thinking of you Mary at about the time you posted this ... lying awake wondering if you were up and about and had posted the day yet!
Ruth - such tough stuff. From emotional chaos in italy to practical chaos at home ... I expect you wanted just to be able to sit at a clean table with a cup of tea on your return ... though, as you say, it will be worth it in the end!
I also loved Lorianne's 'guilt is an option'.
I'm struggling with my run away brain at the moment. Trying to stay compassionate to myself but it's hard. Doesn't help that I have fallen out with my therapist. Trying so hard to untangle my baggage from her (real) inconsistency ... my paranoia from her genuine frustration with me ... etc etc. Fun eh? I feel responsible for her change in attitude towards me ... old stories about never letting people get too close because they see how awful I am and leave. Trying to breathe and stay in the moment, and deal with my own feelings without trying to second guess those of another person ... but it's hard.
On the plus side ... my broken powerbook finally got replaced today. Yey for shiney new technology things. With apple logos.
Ruth and Stray. Welcome back. Lovely to hear from you both, but it obviously hasn't been an easy ride. Ruth, your experience with your mother ring true with me in other contexts, particularly that being aware does not have the effect of making the feelings go away. On the contrary.
Stray. I've been thinking of you a lot. Sending you as many good vibes as I can.
So much going on in so many of our lives here at the moment and a lot of us are/will be away from the PC. Me, for example, this weekend.
I'm trying not to get too obsessive about the date posting and to remind myself that the world won't come to an end if a day is missed here and there. Commenters can simply use the comment thread for the last date posted ....
It's extraordinary how much time I can spend chewing over this kind of thing in my head. Reminds me why I need to meditate.
Glad to see you, Stray and Ruth! Ruth, how complex a thing it is to visit family. So much intensity in such a short time.
As Ruth and Mary have noted, being aware doesn't make the feelings go away and often may enhance them. One great benefit of the awareness for me, though, is that it can [sometimes] provide a little grace period for me to pause before reacting mindlessly to a trigger that creates strong feelings. I can still get carried away and become reactive, but not nearly as often since I began meditating.
One of my backslides, however, occurred last night. Stray reminded me when she spoke of her powerbook. I know how lost I am without my "instrument." Well, Stray, this time I created my own mass destruction by corrupting the system of my beloved Mac due to an error in a software download! Did I pause to breathe, get perspective and tell myself I can begin again to fix this tomorrow? No, I obsessively and fruitlessly worked on the thing until 3 am and finally staggered off to bed totally bummed out.
For some odd reason the browser works, so I'm taking time out to read 100 Days, to breathe, to listen to the rain overhead.
5 Comments:
Good morning everyone. I've just been catching up on y'all. Sounds like Jean you are going through a particularly difficult time at the moment. All I can say is well done for showing up here. And Barbara from a week or so back. Big resonances and love.
I have been sitting occasionally, sometimes just for 5 minutes. I loved 'guilt is an option' from lorainne (damd, is that the right sp?) yesterday.
Just back from a 4 day trip to see my mother which was very very hard. In some small ways I saw just that; also that being sucked into someone else's guilt trip is also an option. It was such a lovely beginning and then the visit became more and more like walking through a hall of distorted mirrors. Also, I felt tremendous sadness at a beautiful soul ravaged by bitterness and disappointment.Remembering to breathe and be present in my body occasionally helped alot in terms of reaction. However of course it doesn't make the feelings go away. Perhaps it allows them to come.
We are in complete chaos at home. there is no space to eat or sit or work as all is being knocked down and rebuilt. We are going to have the most stunning kitchen one day! So my meditation practice has been gazing at terra cotta tiles I am scraping. Jogging in the morning, though not a walking meditation, I try to make into a running prayer to nature instead of thoughts running me. It is an amazing barometer of my mood and energy. Another way to check in. I sometimes sit for 5 minutes in front of the mountain afterwards.
Much love to you all, and yes, I am still here.
weirdly I was thinking of you Mary at about the time you posted this ... lying awake wondering if you were up and about and had posted the day yet!
Ruth - such tough stuff. From emotional chaos in italy to practical chaos at home ... I expect you wanted just to be able to sit at a clean table with a cup of tea on your return ... though, as you say, it will be worth it in the end!
I also loved Lorianne's 'guilt is an option'.
I'm struggling with my run away brain at the moment. Trying to stay compassionate to myself but it's hard. Doesn't help that I have fallen out with my therapist. Trying so hard to untangle my baggage from her (real) inconsistency ... my paranoia from her genuine frustration with me ... etc etc. Fun eh? I feel responsible for her change in attitude towards me ... old stories about never letting people get too close because they see how awful I am and leave. Trying to breathe and stay in the moment, and deal with my own feelings without trying to second guess those of another person ... but it's hard.
On the plus side ... my broken powerbook finally got replaced today. Yey for shiney new technology things. With apple logos.
Hugs to all,
Sxx
Ruth and Stray. Welcome back. Lovely to hear from you both, but it obviously hasn't been an easy ride. Ruth, your experience with your mother ring true with me in other contexts, particularly that being aware does not have the effect of making the feelings go away. On the contrary.
Stray. I've been thinking of you a lot. Sending you as many good vibes as I can.
So much going on in so many of our lives here at the moment and a lot of us are/will be away from the PC. Me, for example, this weekend.
I'm trying not to get too obsessive about the date posting and to remind myself that the world won't come to an end if a day is missed here and there. Commenters can simply use the comment thread for the last date posted ....
It's extraordinary how much time I can spend chewing over this kind of thing in my head. Reminds me why I need to meditate.
Good thoughts to all.
Glad to see you, Stray and Ruth! Ruth, how complex a thing it is to visit family. So much intensity in such a short time.
As Ruth and Mary have noted, being aware doesn't make the feelings go away and often may enhance them. One great benefit of the awareness for me, though, is that it can [sometimes] provide a little grace period for me to pause before reacting mindlessly to a trigger that creates strong feelings. I can still get carried away and become reactive, but not nearly as often since I began meditating.
One of my backslides, however, occurred last night. Stray reminded me when she spoke of her powerbook. I know how lost I am without my "instrument." Well, Stray, this time I created my own mass destruction by corrupting the system of my beloved Mac due to an error in a software download! Did I pause to breathe, get perspective and tell myself I can begin again to fix this tomorrow? No, I obsessively and fruitlessly worked on the thing until 3 am and finally staggered off to bed totally bummed out.
For some odd reason the browser works, so I'm taking time out to read 100 Days, to breathe, to listen to the rain overhead.
It's getting late so I'll just say good night to everyone. Glad to read these catch-up posts today; I'm glad you're here.
Post a Comment
<< Home