I decided to sit for my last 10 mins before leaving rather than write a long comment here, so just a huge thank you to everyone for wisdom and support. Working through it all. Probably will be for a long time yet.
Amen to that, Ruth. I think we'll all be working on our "stuff" for a long time. I think that's what life's about.
I'm glad you spent your time sitting rather than commenting. Here I'm laboring over a big pile of papers I've procrastinated, but I sat for 10 minutes first thing this morning in order to get started on the right foot.
What *I'm* sitting with these days is my difficulty in "letting things go." When something feels unfair to me, or out of balance, it's really hard for me to just roll with it. I've never been able to figure out whether it's a result of my having been an only child, or a trait that that we both have to some degree - - a juggling for control that's simply a dynamic in my relationship. I *feel* like I try really hard to be accomodating, patient, and fair - but when I look deeply, I can see that some of the problem is in me: I don't always forgive completely, I don't want to be controlled or told what to do, and I do sometimes "keep score." It comes back to working with anger and resentment, which have to be some of the hardest things we have in our practices. I was awake quite a while last night and tried to meditate rather than just worry and think; it definitely helped. Love to everyone here as we all start our work weeks.
((((Ruth)))) Lots of love to you as you work through it all. Yes, all of us, all the time, that's what we're doing, unless we have our heads firmly in the sand.
Just being here, taking the next breath, trying not to hide from this moment of tiredness and inadequacy and indecisiveness and knowing I'm behind with everything. Just be here. Not shrink from it. That's all I can do. If I'm doing that, there's nothing to hate and despise myself for. Sheesh, it's so hard sometimes. Like Beth, so hard for me to just roll with it, whether 'it' is my own shit or someone else's. So tired and fed up this past weekend that every human contact was sticky, abrasive, full of misunderstandings. The hardest lesson: sometimes it's just like that, and it's ok, it'll be ok.
Jean, thanks so much for your post ... in particular So tired and fed up this past weekend that every human contact was sticky, abrasive, full of misunderstandings.
Gawd, I just wrote to somebody in an email just today, that I wondered whether people who take on challenges that involve huge isolation may do so not because they really care about the number of penguins in the antarctic but because they are so disappointed with human relationships in general that it seems ideal to avoid them. Today I can barely speak to my dog.
You're right though, in saying The hardest lesson: sometimes it's just like that, and it's ok, it'll be ok. Well, I hope you're right.
Hard doesn't begin to cover it.
Beth too ... rolling with things is something I have only ever accomplished when too drunk to notice! It is frustrating that it should be so much easier to fight even ourselves than to just relax and let things be.
((Ruth)). Sounds painful. I love Lorianne's wonderful word for it.
6 Comments:
I decided to sit for my last 10 mins before leaving rather than write a long comment here, so just a huge thank you to everyone for wisdom and support. Working through it all. Probably will be for a long time yet.
Amen to that, Ruth. I think we'll all be working on our "stuff" for a long time. I think that's what life's about.
I'm glad you spent your time sitting rather than commenting. Here I'm laboring over a big pile of papers I've procrastinated, but I sat for 10 minutes first thing this morning in order to get started on the right foot.
Love to all...
{{{{Ruth}}}
What *I'm* sitting with these days is my difficulty in "letting things go." When something feels unfair to me, or out of balance, it's really hard for me to just roll with it. I've never been able to figure out whether it's a result of my having been an only child, or a trait that that we both have to some degree - - a juggling for control that's simply a dynamic in my relationship. I *feel* like I try really hard to be accomodating, patient, and fair - but when I look deeply, I can see that some of the problem is in me: I don't always forgive completely, I don't want to be controlled or told what to do, and I do sometimes "keep score." It comes back to working with anger and resentment, which have to be some of the hardest things we have in our practices. I was awake quite a while last night and tried to meditate rather than just worry and think; it definitely helped. Love to everyone here as we all start our work weeks.
((((Ruth)))) Lots of love to you as you work through it all. Yes, all of us, all the time, that's what we're doing, unless we have our heads firmly in the sand.
Just being here, taking the next breath, trying not to hide from this moment of tiredness and inadequacy and indecisiveness and knowing I'm behind with everything. Just be here. Not shrink from it. That's all I can do. If I'm doing that, there's nothing to hate and despise myself for. Sheesh, it's so hard sometimes. Like Beth, so hard for me to just roll with it, whether 'it' is my own shit or someone else's. So tired and fed up this past weekend that every human contact was sticky, abrasive, full of misunderstandings. The hardest lesson: sometimes it's just like that, and it's ok, it'll be ok.
Jean, thanks so much for your post ... in particular So tired and fed up this past weekend that every human contact was sticky, abrasive, full of misunderstandings.
Gawd, I just wrote to somebody in an email just today, that I wondered whether people who take on challenges that involve huge isolation may do so not because they really care about the number of penguins in the antarctic but because they are so disappointed with human relationships in general that it seems ideal to avoid them. Today I can barely speak to my dog.
You're right though, in saying The hardest lesson: sometimes it's just like that, and it's ok, it'll be ok. Well, I hope you're right.
Hard doesn't begin to cover it.
Beth too ... rolling with things is something I have only ever accomplished when too drunk to notice! It is frustrating that it should be so much easier to fight even ourselves than to just relax and let things be.
((Ruth)). Sounds painful. I love Lorianne's wonderful word for it.
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