I hope you're feeling a little less wobbly today Brenda. It would be a huge shame if you weren't here, especially for people like me for whom this really, truly is about day sixty-five in our meditation career.
I meditated a lot last night. Insomnia is back after a respite since June. I've had it since I was five, so it's not new, but still frustrating. Usually accompanied by anxiety and nightmares just to make things more interesting. But, I feel more able to sit with those feelings than before. I can choose to follow the thoughts and feelings until they tell me something useful, or to focus on my breath / the wind / the sound of my dog breathing. That no longer feels like just pushing the anxious thoughts away. In itself I think that has been the biggest change for me through this last sixty odd days ... changing my focus no longer simply feels like running away.
I keep thinking about that tree I saw days ago. It is visible from Hambledon train station, and I was thinking that hundreds if not thousands of people every day must look at it, and for some it will strike some sort of chord ... as it has for me. Stuff like that helps with the isolation I think. As does this place ... like Barbara said, it can be hard to be around people (virtual or real) in groups.
On Saturday I am attending the wedding of a very good friend (and ex-boyfriend ... I woke up late!). His group of friends have always been a source of discomfort for me ... and I have a very complicated relationship with a couple of his male buddies. We were all at uni together and I have to keep reminding myself that it was a decade ago and everybody has moved on, but it still stings when I think about it. Lots of breathing to be done there I guess.
I sat this morning, aware of some tension but trying just to pay attention and let it be .... and it was fine.
I would just add following yesterday's discussions that I concur with Barbara (and Stray). My experience with groups both IRL and in the virtual world has been powerful. And I think virtual groups can be harder. There are just words or the lack of words. No expressions, no smiles, no body language. And I can draw conclusions and inferences from words or the lack of them, based on my own insecurities, that may not be the correct ones. And I'm not necessarily referring to 100 Days here, just generally. Barbara, thank you for sharing that - your words mirror my own experience very closely.
Not working today - waiting in for the washing machine repairer .....
Good luck with the washing machine, Mary: I suppose waiting for repairmen is another sort of practice.
Stray, I giggled at your remark about "waking up late": waking up late is better than never, no? I can only imagine how complicated going to your ex's wedding, interacting with old friends, etc. must feel. I haven't stayed in touch with any of my undergrad friends, really: that was back when I was a "born again" Christian, so I don't think they'd be hip to the whole Zen thing.
(We all wake up late in our various ways, no?)
Brenda, I hope you're out there somewhere, either reading/lurking or just being okay in some shape or form. As Stray said, we'd all feel sad if you were to leave, unless it's something you feel you truly & deeply have to do.
Today was the noontime meditation group I've started leading at school: we sit in a dorm lounge on campus from 12:15-12:45 on Wednesdays. It feels good to sit with a group after having spent so much time meditating on my own lately, even if sitting in a dorm lounge feels a bit incongruous.
Thanks Lorianne ... I really want to come to your meditation group. It made me remember that there is an LGBT zen network near here ... I have a leaflet somewhere that someone gave me. I should call them. It would be good to sit with other people too.
Yes. Complex indeed. Ah, the whole 'born again' thing ... were you very evangelical? I had a baptist upbringing so I can imagine it in quite some colourful detail :)
I haven't stayed in touch with many people from my undergrad days. I was about as wild as you could be and on the occasions when I do meet up with my old pals we soon slip back into bad behaviour.
What particularly weirds me out is how shocked I feel now at things that didn't seem shocking at the time that I did them. But yes, better late than never, and I guess there are few people fully awake to themselves at 19!
It's a big challenge for me ... to accept who I have been, without blame or resentment of myself, whilst also accepting that I couldn't continue to follow the path I was on. I crave black/white and struggle to live with low-contrast greys and dirty colours. I can't silence my inner mathematician ... always looking to balance the equation. The best I can do at the moment is to try to keep aware and recognise when I'm doing nonsensical sums.
Oh, Stray. accept who I have been, without blame or resentment of myself, whilst also accepting that I couldn't continue I think you've articulated something that every person (every awake person, anyhoo) experiences to some degree in their life. The holding of two seemingly opposed aspects of a life in one hand is something I struggle with, too, but it's come to fascinate me, truthfully. For me, looking at my own life, I realize that growth continues all my life long (thank goodness!) and change is a reliable constant. I certainly didn't fully understand myself at the age of 19 — in fact at that age I was in great denial about a number of things. Not that my experience is the same as yours — it's not — only that there are some vague parallels, and they make me empathetic.
Mary, hope that repairer showed up before long. I can draw conclusions and inferences from words or the lack of them, based on my own insecurities, that may not be the correct ones ...oh, I try not to, but, me too, it's so true.
Lorianne, as ever, I appreciate your sense of humor.
5 Comments:
Hey all,
I hope you're feeling a little less wobbly today Brenda. It would be a huge shame if you weren't here, especially for people like me for whom this really, truly is about day sixty-five in our meditation career.
I meditated a lot last night. Insomnia is back after a respite since June. I've had it since I was five, so it's not new, but still frustrating. Usually accompanied by anxiety and nightmares just to make things more interesting. But, I feel more able to sit with those feelings than before. I can choose to follow the thoughts and feelings until they tell me something useful, or to focus on my breath / the wind / the sound of my dog breathing. That no longer feels like just pushing the anxious thoughts away. In itself I think that has been the biggest change for me through this last sixty odd days ... changing my focus no longer simply feels like running away.
I keep thinking about that tree I saw days ago. It is visible from Hambledon train station, and I was thinking that hundreds if not thousands of people every day must look at it, and for some it will strike some sort of chord ... as it has for me. Stuff like that helps with the isolation I think. As does this place ... like Barbara said, it can be hard to be around people (virtual or real) in groups.
On Saturday I am attending the wedding of a very good friend (and ex-boyfriend ... I woke up late!). His group of friends have always been a source of discomfort for me ... and I have a very complicated relationship with a couple of his male buddies. We were all at uni together and I have to keep reminding myself that it was a decade ago and everybody has moved on, but it still stings when I think about it. Lots of breathing to be done there I guess.
love and hugs to all
xx
Morning all.
I sat this morning, aware of some tension but trying just to pay attention and let it be .... and it was fine.
I would just add following yesterday's discussions that I concur with Barbara (and Stray). My experience with groups both IRL and in the virtual world has been powerful. And I think virtual groups can be harder. There are just words or the lack of words. No expressions, no smiles, no body language. And I can draw conclusions and inferences from words or the lack of them, based on my own insecurities, that may not be the correct ones. And I'm not necessarily referring to 100 Days here, just generally. Barbara, thank you for sharing that - your words mirror my own experience very closely.
Not working today - waiting in for the washing machine repairer .....
Love to all.
Good luck with the washing machine, Mary: I suppose waiting for repairmen is another sort of practice.
Stray, I giggled at your remark about "waking up late": waking up late is better than never, no? I can only imagine how complicated going to your ex's wedding, interacting with old friends, etc. must feel. I haven't stayed in touch with any of my undergrad friends, really: that was back when I was a "born again" Christian, so I don't think they'd be hip to the whole Zen thing.
(We all wake up late in our various ways, no?)
Brenda, I hope you're out there somewhere, either reading/lurking or just being okay in some shape or form. As Stray said, we'd all feel sad if you were to leave, unless it's something you feel you truly & deeply have to do.
Today was the noontime meditation group I've started leading at school: we sit in a dorm lounge on campus from 12:15-12:45 on Wednesdays. It feels good to sit with a group after having spent so much time meditating on my own lately, even if sitting in a dorm lounge feels a bit incongruous.
Thanks Lorianne ... I really want to come to your meditation group. It made me remember that there is an LGBT zen network near here ... I have a leaflet somewhere that someone gave me. I should call them. It would be good to sit with other people too.
Yes. Complex indeed. Ah, the whole 'born again' thing ... were you very evangelical? I had a baptist upbringing so I can imagine it in quite some colourful detail :)
I haven't stayed in touch with many people from my undergrad days. I was about as wild as you could be and on the occasions when I do meet up with my old pals we soon slip back into bad behaviour.
What particularly weirds me out is how shocked I feel now at things that didn't seem shocking at the time that I did them. But yes, better late than never, and I guess there are few people fully awake to themselves at 19!
It's a big challenge for me ... to accept who I have been, without blame or resentment of myself, whilst also accepting that I couldn't continue to follow the path I was on. I crave black/white and struggle to live with low-contrast greys and dirty colours. I can't silence my inner mathematician ... always looking to balance the equation. The best I can do at the moment is to try to keep aware and recognise when I'm doing nonsensical sums.
xx
Oh, Stray. accept who I have been, without blame or resentment of myself, whilst also accepting that I couldn't continue I think you've articulated something that every person (every awake person, anyhoo) experiences to some degree in their life. The holding of two seemingly opposed aspects of a life in one hand is something I struggle with, too, but it's come to fascinate me, truthfully. For me, looking at my own life, I realize that growth continues all my life long (thank goodness!) and change is a reliable constant. I certainly didn't fully understand myself at the age of 19 — in fact at that age I was in great denial about a number of things. Not that my experience is the same as yours — it's not — only that there are some vague parallels, and they make me empathetic.
Mary, hope that repairer showed up before long. I can draw conclusions and inferences from words or the lack of them, based on my own insecurities, that may not be the correct ones ...oh, I try not to, but, me too, it's so true.
Lorianne, as ever, I appreciate your sense of humor.
Love to you all.
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