something sweeter in the air it seems for many, and the lightness of yesterdays' comments was very cute.
SPRING IS NEARLY HERE!!!!
We seem to be coming out of the gloom too and J has just had a huge boost in that an article about shifting light has been sold to the new york times and will be out next thursday!
I think this practice helped me yesterday to accept that, on my first day back, J just left and went off in the car all day. He said he had felt cooped up for a month and needed to be free. I struggled with feeling rejected but got quite into my own home-coming ritual of cleaning (largely smelling armpits of a pile of discarded men's T-shirts to see where they belonged!) and remaking our nest. He returned having given the car some tlc, new tyres, carpets and hubcaps (what IS it about boys and their cars?!) to a clean house it was actually a pleasure to be in....and, both our needs met, he cooked us a wonderful dinner and we had a gorgeous evening.
what struck me is how easily I could have ruined this, and how a daily concentration on accepting what is rather than wishing for something other can be transformative.
today I was back sitting in the vines with the sun on my face.
Sigh. There's the one, and now another. Men I mean. Open yourself up and it must be like a light, I was going to say red, but that's not fair. One a science professor, the other a most interesting man, more of a muse, who I met dancing at the African drumming circle. In meditation, 'help! I only want one...' but the sense of living in the moment, impermanence, the struggle to hold onto to one thing which may not reflect the whole, and it's okay to have a number of men to be friends with, flirt with, enjoy, but being sexually intimate with only one. I'm trying to understand my nature, which may not fit the cultural norm, and perhaps in one's 50s it's not such a big deal. But then there's the all-important ethics of relationship, how crucial it is not to knowingly hurt anyone, or to be hurt. And to fathom if this may happen if certain courses of action are followed. Or just relax and enjoy what life has to offer, be always honest, and keep loving everyone.
I like the way your return home turned out, Ruth.
I hope I am as successful in 'going with the flow' in my increasingly complex life.
Sometimes it's just easier to hide... that's what I'm trying not to do.
Been sitting in a clay flowerpot this morning with a giant yellow daisy growing out of the top of my head. This is an image from the Daisy Head Maizy books I’ve been reading to one of my sweet young cancer patients.
Realizing that tomorrow will be Day 50 of our commitment, I looked up the comments for Day 50 of previous 100 Days.
Jean commented there on a quote from Katagiri Roshi in response to a question about “why do we sit?” He said:
“We sit to settle the self on the self and let the flower of our life force bloom.”
But I read it as ‘to settle the self on the SHELF.’
A definite improvement over the past week that was entirely gruesome. I might write more about that later, but right now it’s still too raw and hurtful.
Someone's name in triple brackets represents hugging them. It has fairly wide currency. The (o) signifies "I've read and been moved by your words." It's a local idiom; I actually invented it, in response to PPB of Ice Floe saying she wished there was something like it to show appreciation for a blog post, when you had nothing to say (or perhaps were moved beyond words.) On the model of the Jewish tradition of leaving a pebble at someone's grave. It has spread -- I've met it far from home -- but I don't know how widely.
Hello all Ruth: good to read your comment re acceptance - really helpful. Thank you. Brenda: yes good luck! Janice: ouch. So sorry to hear things have been difficult ...
Sat today twice as committed. It's funny, I get the most silly urges to get up when I'm sitting. It might be to adjust the thermostat, or check that the door is closed properly or turn the light on (or off). I am training myself to try and sit with these but not actually to move. But occasionally I have been so un-present that I have found myself halfway across the room to turn the light off (or whatever) before I realised what was happening. And that happened today.
Lama Michael said something about finding himself finishing the act of making tea, before realizing what was happening, so you're in distinguished company :-)
10 Comments:
something sweeter in the air it seems for many, and the lightness of yesterdays' comments was very cute.
SPRING IS NEARLY HERE!!!!
We seem to be coming out of the gloom too and J has just had a huge boost in that an article about shifting light has been sold to the new york times and will be out next thursday!
I think this practice helped me yesterday to accept that, on my first day back, J just left and went off in the car all day. He said he had felt cooped up for a month and needed to be free. I struggled with feeling rejected but got quite into my own home-coming ritual of cleaning (largely smelling armpits of a pile of discarded men's T-shirts to see where they belonged!) and remaking our nest. He returned having given the car some tlc, new tyres, carpets and hubcaps (what IS it about boys and their cars?!) to a clean house it was actually a pleasure to be in....and, both our needs met, he cooked us a wonderful dinner and we had a gorgeous evening.
what struck me is how easily I could have ruined this, and how a daily concentration on accepting what is rather than wishing for something other can be transformative.
today I was back sitting in the vines with the sun on my face.
Sigh. There's the one, and now another. Men I mean. Open yourself up and it must be like a light, I was going to say red, but that's not fair. One a science professor, the other a most interesting man, more of a muse, who I met dancing at the African drumming circle. In meditation, 'help! I only want one...' but the sense of living in the moment, impermanence, the struggle to hold onto to one thing which may not reflect the whole, and it's okay to have a number of men to be friends with, flirt with, enjoy, but being sexually intimate with only one. I'm trying to understand my nature, which may not fit the cultural norm, and perhaps in one's 50s it's not such a big deal. But then there's the all-important ethics of relationship, how crucial it is not to knowingly hurt anyone, or to be hurt. And to fathom if this may happen if certain courses of action are followed. Or just relax and enjoy what life has to offer, be always honest, and keep loving everyone.
I like the way your return home turned out, Ruth.
I hope I am as successful in 'going with the flow' in my increasingly complex life.
Sometimes it's just easier to hide... that's what I'm trying not to do.
feast or famine, that seems to be the way of it :-) Good luck!
Been sitting in a clay flowerpot this morning with a giant yellow daisy growing out of the top of my head. This is an image from the Daisy Head Maizy books I’ve been reading to one of my sweet young cancer patients.
Realizing that tomorrow will be Day 50 of our commitment, I looked up the comments for Day 50 of previous 100 Days.
Jean commented there on a quote from Katagiri Roshi in response to a question about “why do we sit?” He said:
“We sit to settle the self on the self and let the flower of our life force bloom.”
But I read it as ‘to settle the self on the SHELF.’
A definite improvement over the past week that was entirely gruesome. I might write more about that later, but right now it’s still too raw and hurtful.
{{{Janice}}}
Hi Dale
what do triple curly brackets mean?
I've noticed these before and wondered if there was some shorthand language I need to know about. Also a letter 'o' enclosed in parentheses.
word verification ... chjzswv
a Kraft product that we used to stuff in celery or spread on white bread?
:-)
Someone's name in triple brackets represents hugging them. It has fairly wide currency. The (o) signifies "I've read and been moved by your words." It's a local idiom; I actually invented it, in response to PPB of Ice Floe saying she wished there was something like it to show appreciation for a blog post, when you had nothing to say (or perhaps were moved beyond words.) On the model of the Jewish tradition of leaving a pebble at someone's grave. It has spread -- I've met it far from home -- but I don't know how widely.
Ruth, I'm so glad that some light is coming in!
Hello all
Ruth: good to read your comment re acceptance - really helpful. Thank you.
Brenda: yes good luck!
Janice: ouch. So sorry to hear things have been difficult ...
Sat today twice as committed. It's funny, I get the most silly urges to get up when I'm sitting. It might be to adjust the thermostat, or check that the door is closed properly or turn the light on (or off). I am training myself to try and sit with these but not actually to move. But occasionally I have been so un-present that I have found myself halfway across the room to turn the light off (or whatever) before I realised what was happening. And that happened today.
I just laughed. Obviously some work still to do.
O
Lama Michael said something about finding himself finishing the act of making tea, before realizing what was happening, so you're in distinguished company :-)
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