Feeling lowly and weak today, tiredness and the what-do-we-do-now vague sense of loss that follows completing (a major stage of) a project. Sometimes (like today) I read your comments (like yesterday's) and feel like a warthog among butterflies: you're all so pretty, and the flying looks so effortless, but however high I jump, I always land back in the mud.
Fifteen minutes this morning, very unfocussed. I shall try again this evening.
Silly Udge, we all feel like warthogs, well I do anyway :-)
Yeah, I hate the feeling of anticlimax. Try as I might I can't dispense with the expectation that virtuous completion of some project will be its own reward and bring me that elusive feeling of complete happiness and satisfaction - the stronger and more subconscious the expectation the worse the experience when it's not fulfilled, and when one is tired and drained it rarely is. Warmest feelings of solidarity!
Sorry, that was me just above. Didn't say what I wanted to say, which was to express tremendous solidarity with Udge. From my own experience, it's terribly easy to feel you're not doing it right if you're feeling low and/or you're not having wonderful meditation experiences, especially when others report that they are. Which is not to say either that they shouldn't be reporting it, simply that comparing myself with others always ends up in my disfavour, in meditation as in other areas of life. Prescribed: lots of TLC for Udge.
Continuing to sit regularly apart from yesterday. HOwever went to a yoga class yesterday evening . good.
Shouldn't be here because I have a lot of non-computer things to do this week and have sworn off blogging for the duration, but I may just allow myself to comment on 100 Days even if I don't do anything else.
Oh Udge, I feel totally warthoggy today -- and people are coming over in fifteen minutes for breakfast! All I want to do is go back to bed, or at least be alone and not have to be bright and cheerful and talkative!
As the completion of my big project gets closer, I wonder how I will feel - but I'm sure it will be more of an anticlimax and sense of loss than anything else. There is a definite feeling of accomplishment, but it has taken a lot out of me too. Sending lots of love and empathy to you today - keep jumping and don't worry about the mud, you have lots of company there!
Dale - thanks for your thoughts on boredom yesterday. I think sometimes one of my main character defects is "easily bored."
Hello, everyone...or should I *grunt* in lieu of "hello," since I'm a warthog, too? :-)
This morning was slightly less warthoggy than yesterday--at least my *body* was quiet for the 15 minutes I sat--but most days my mind is so all-over-the-map, it's ludicrous to try to define or describe it: part butterfly, part warthog, part kitchen sink, or something like that.
All that matters, I think, is that we KEEP DOING IT. Even when we're bored or warthoggy or angry or silly or butterfly-like. I guess that's another way that meditation feels like monogamy (and at times monotony!) to me: really, all you're doing is deciding again & again & again, moment by moment & day after day, to keep doing something that you once loved and that you currently go in & out of affection for.
Or at least that describes my experience of meditating for 15 years & having been married for almost that much...
I had to chuckle, though, at Dale's comment yesterday about all the exotic Tibetan practices he can fall back upon when he's bored with plain vanilla sitting. Those damn Tibetans! They get the excitement of a Tantric Kama Sutra while we Zennies stick with the meditative equivalent of the missionary position! ;-)
check out Warthog Tantric Entertainment Centers -- one opening soon near you!
:-)
One young monk, having heard of sexual tantric practices and thinking they sounded like a good idea, asked a teacher I know of about them. The teacher gravely agreed to arrange something for him, after he'd raised his first person from the dead.
We don't have nearly so much fun as it might sound like we do :-)
Oh, Udge. Enjoy the sense of having given birth... take a rest, even if it's only an emotional one.
And Lorianne, you had me cracking up: "Those damn Tibetans! They get the excitement of a Tantric Kama Sutra while we Zennies stick with the meditative equivalent of the missionary position! ;-)"
You & Dale, I swear... :)
My lowly meditation and I get along very well and I was reflecting last night how I have not felt boredom with this lover for 11 years... yet other meditations drove me crazy by the 20th day. This one flows with me, growing, tilting, we face crisis, conflict, overwhelming love, each day. Every time I enter it, or it enters me, it's like new, the resonance immediate. It's like a vibrating tuner between my inner and outer life, a tibetan bell that's just the right tone. I've not struggled with either the positive or the negative mind, nor even the neutral mind (the one that gets bored) (Yogi B's classifications). Maybe I'm just lucky....!?
There are women who insist they felt no pain whatsoever during natural childbirth and I don't believe them either- :)
I'm afraid i missed sitting today. I am also trying to be reedlike and go with the flow and today - the last before the New york Times onslaught - julian was in the mood to celebrate immediately after coffee. For me much of my practice is NOT to say "well, i have to run and then meditate and then we can go" because those are the rigid conditions I have put upon myself all my life and they don't always work. The interesting thing is that I feel I am observing things much more clearly and actually with much less judgement. knowing I can come back here is REALLY important in terms of not thinking I have terminally failed each time.
I know what you mean about feeling like a 'warthog among butterflies'. I feel that way often when I read blogs of people here. You are all wonderful writers, poets, and photographers, while I can barely articulate my feelings. Not that I have aspirations to become a writer or a butterfly … just an observation. Warthogs are ok too.
Lots of talk here in the last couple days about what meditation does or does not do for you. For me, meditation is nothing special, and I have no expectations that it will be something beautiful or peaceful, sad or enlightening. It’s just something I do every day, like eating breakfast and washing the dishes.
I did experience that ‘honeymoon period’ of awe and wonderment for a few months when first I started, but that was thirty years ago. Now there is just a sense of the perfection of things just as they are, whether of loss, boredom, anger, or confusion.
More than a warthog, I most often feel like "a blind donkey, braying about, with my nose buried deep in the grasses and weeds of the world … and it’s not so bad." Those are Jane Hirshfield's words. She always speaks to my heart.
Jean, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “if something feels like pointless mental chuntering, let it go … letting go of more and more layers of thoughts about thoughts, whether within meditation or about meditation.” And what a great word ‘chuntering’ … I’d never heard it before. Thank you for that.
Must hurry off now to the local newstand in search of announcements for the opening of Warthog Tantric Entertainment Centers
10 Comments:
Feeling lowly and weak today, tiredness and the what-do-we-do-now vague sense of loss that follows completing (a major stage of) a project. Sometimes (like today) I read your comments (like yesterday's) and feel like a warthog among butterflies: you're all so pretty, and the flying looks so effortless, but however high I jump, I always land back in the mud.
Fifteen minutes this morning, very unfocussed. I shall try again this evening.
Muddy, bristly hugs to all.
Silly Udge, we all feel like warthogs, well I do anyway :-)
Yeah, I hate the feeling of anticlimax. Try as I might I can't dispense with the expectation that virtuous completion of some project will be its own reward and bring me that elusive feeling of complete happiness and satisfaction - the stronger and more subconscious the expectation the worse the experience when it's not fulfilled, and when one is tired and drained it rarely is. Warmest feelings of solidarity!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sorry, that was me just above. Didn't say what I wanted to say, which was to express tremendous solidarity with Udge. From my own experience, it's terribly easy to feel you're not doing it right if you're feeling low and/or you're not having wonderful meditation experiences, especially when others report that they are. Which is not to say either that they shouldn't be reporting it, simply that comparing myself with others always ends up in my disfavour, in meditation as in other areas of life. Prescribed: lots of TLC for Udge.
Continuing to sit regularly apart from yesterday. HOwever went to a yoga class yesterday evening . good.
Shouldn't be here because I have a lot of non-computer things to do this week and have sworn off blogging for the duration, but I may just allow myself to comment on 100 Days even if I don't do anything else.
Oh Udge, I feel totally warthoggy today -- and people are coming over in fifteen minutes for breakfast! All I want to do is go back to bed, or at least be alone and not have to be bright and cheerful and talkative!
As the completion of my big project gets closer, I wonder how I will feel - but I'm sure it will be more of an anticlimax and sense of loss than anything else. There is a definite feeling of accomplishment, but it has taken a lot out of me too. Sending lots of love and empathy to you today - keep jumping and don't worry about the mud, you have lots of company there!
Dale - thanks for your thoughts on boredom yesterday. I think sometimes one of my main character defects is "easily bored."
Hello, everyone...or should I *grunt* in lieu of "hello," since I'm a warthog, too? :-)
This morning was slightly less warthoggy than yesterday--at least my *body* was quiet for the 15 minutes I sat--but most days my mind is so all-over-the-map, it's ludicrous to try to define or describe it: part butterfly, part warthog, part kitchen sink, or something like that.
All that matters, I think, is that we KEEP DOING IT. Even when we're bored or warthoggy or angry or silly or butterfly-like. I guess that's another way that meditation feels like monogamy (and at times monotony!) to me: really, all you're doing is deciding again & again & again, moment by moment & day after day, to keep doing something that you once loved and that you currently go in & out of affection for.
Or at least that describes my experience of meditating for 15 years & having been married for almost that much...
I had to chuckle, though, at Dale's comment yesterday about all the exotic Tibetan practices he can fall back upon when he's bored with plain vanilla sitting. Those damn Tibetans! They get the excitement of a Tantric Kama Sutra while we Zennies stick with the meditative equivalent of the missionary position! ;-)
neener neener neener!
check out Warthog Tantric Entertainment Centers -- one opening soon near you!
:-)
One young monk, having heard of sexual tantric practices and thinking they sounded like a good idea, asked a teacher I know of about them. The teacher gravely agreed to arrange something for him, after he'd raised his first person from the dead.
We don't have nearly so much fun as it might sound like we do :-)
Warthogs unite!
Oh, Udge. Enjoy the sense of having given birth... take a rest, even if it's only an emotional one.
And Lorianne, you had me cracking up: "Those damn Tibetans! They get the excitement of a Tantric Kama Sutra while we Zennies stick with the meditative equivalent of the missionary position! ;-)"
You & Dale, I swear... :)
My lowly meditation and I get along very well and I was reflecting last night how I have not felt boredom with this lover for 11 years... yet other meditations drove me crazy by the 20th day. This one flows with me, growing, tilting, we face crisis, conflict, overwhelming love, each day. Every time I enter it, or it enters me, it's like new, the resonance immediate. It's like a vibrating tuner between my inner and outer life, a tibetan bell that's just the right tone. I've not struggled with either the positive or the negative mind, nor even the neutral mind (the one that gets bored) (Yogi B's classifications). Maybe I'm just lucky....!?
There are women who insist they felt no pain whatsoever during natural childbirth and I don't believe them either- :)
well hello all ye warthogs!
i love to come here and chuckle.
I'm afraid i missed sitting today. I am also trying to be reedlike and go with the flow and today - the last before the New york Times onslaught - julian was in the mood to celebrate immediately after coffee. For me much of my practice is NOT to say "well, i have to run and then meditate and then we can go" because those are the rigid conditions I have put upon myself all my life and they don't always work. The interesting thing is that I feel I am observing things much more clearly and actually with much less judgement. knowing I can come back here is REALLY important in terms of not thinking I have terminally failed each time.
Udge, a lotus blossom grows in the mud
I know what you mean about feeling like a 'warthog among butterflies'. I feel that way often when I read blogs of people here. You are all wonderful writers, poets, and photographers, while I can barely articulate my feelings. Not that I have aspirations to become a writer or a butterfly … just an observation. Warthogs are ok too.
Lots of talk here in the last couple days about what meditation does or does not do for you. For me, meditation is nothing special, and I have no expectations that it will be something beautiful or peaceful, sad or enlightening. It’s just something I do every day, like eating breakfast and washing the dishes.
I did experience that ‘honeymoon period’ of awe and wonderment for a few months when first I started, but that was thirty years ago. Now there is just a sense of the perfection of things just as they are, whether of loss, boredom, anger, or confusion.
More than a warthog, I most often feel like "a blind donkey, braying about, with my nose buried deep in the grasses and weeds of the world … and it’s not so bad." Those are Jane Hirshfield's words. She always speaks to my heart.
Jean, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “if something feels like pointless mental chuntering, let it go … letting go of more and more layers of thoughts about thoughts, whether within meditation or about meditation.” And what a great word ‘chuntering’ … I’d never heard it before. Thank you for that.
Must hurry off now to the local newstand in search of announcements for the opening of Warthog Tantric Entertainment Centers
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