Hope your day goes well, Lorianne. I didn't get up in time to meditate, but just had a nice yoga class with a lot of the time spent on quiet breathing exercises.
Something I wanted to say about the inevitable comparisons we all make (s/he seems to be noting more/better/more interesting effects from meditation than I do): I've always been particularly tense/scattered/absent and I think that's why regular meditation always makes such a noticeable difference; and why I took to it pretty enthusiastically from the first. Tending what you have is just as worthwhile as cultivating what you haven't much of, though.
Men, ah. I went nearly 5 years without a relationship and the one I'm in isn't becoming much of anything other than a few hours a week spent in each other's arms. Which is nice, and I have no complaint. But last night he told me that he received a 'marriage proposal' from a 20 year old woman, who said, "I love you, I want to marry you, I don't care if you're 30 years older than me.' He laughed and said no way. But no woman is going to say such a thing, not even a student, which is what she is, without some involvement on his part. After I hung up from the phone call I found my Rabbi's number and called him... I haven't spoken to him in 2 1/2 years. He's really the love of my life, though I keep fighting that notion, and it was wonderful to talk to someone who I feel great affection for and who likewise feels great affection for me and who's obviously missed me. I haven't seen the Rabbi in 5 years; we've reconnected, but it's only going to be a phone relationship. My Science Professor, ah, well, I don't know. I'm 7 years older than him, and I think he really is more interested in finding a younger woman. Perhaps we shall stay lovers for awhile and perhaps after that we can make a friendship out of what we have shared, out of our liking for each other. I thought I was falling in love, but, ah, the young student, and there will be others, which simultaneously stops me and frees me of illusions.
I am almost 54, and would like a pool of loving men... so when one hurts me I can turn to another. I no longer want to be only with one man, even if I am only sexually intimate with one, I want there to be other men with whom I am close, with whom there is love. I'd like to open my world out more. The Cyber Romance of last year left me with this legacy, only one, and if he disappears, you're crushed. So there should be a number of men in my life, deep friendships, intimate trust.
Do you think this untoward?
After my 'reunion' conversation with the Rabbi, I felt blissful, happy, contented. That most certainly wouldn't have happened had I only spoken to the Science Professor, who left me feeling unimportant even as we made arrangements to meet this week. I feel to turn to someone else in a moment like this is fine. When the Rabbi knocks me for a loop (it's been 9 interspersed years, and we lived together for the first year), then I'll call the Science Professor, or another man with whom I am developing what looks to be a fine friendship with.
They say you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, and, for now, I shalln't. It seems emotionally healthier to be more open to a number of intimate relationships even if, as I said, there is only one that is sexually intimate.
Oh, dear!
I shalln't keep you apprised of my increasingly complex love life; I'm sure to bore you all.
But I will say that still after all this I managed to meditate with the usual calm and joy. Oh, the first 5 minutes was flustered, especially considering my ethical beliefs, not hurting anyone, including myself, loving kindness towards all, but then I settled in to the rich emptiness.
Hmm. I fear we may insist on updates, Brenda :-) It sounds like a case for a tonglen-like "breathing in his inconsistency and breathing out your love" or something like that. Anyway, you're an inspiration - none of the legions of single women in their 50s whom I know ever has a breath of a possibility of any love life. I'm both filled with awe and appreciation of women like those you wrote about today on your blog, and think, well, something went wrong, didn't it, if all these women are these days 'spare' for the last 20, 30 or more years of our lives? Strange times we live in, in so many, many ways. Anyway, it is all food for making compost and growing equanimity and compassion in it, however hard that feels sometimes, that's for sure. There can't be anything more worthwhile that cultivating the ability to feel love without withdrawing from it in pain and fear.
Sat today in the vines after my run and stretch listening to early spring bird song. Thank god I sat thismorning because at about midday julian started recieving about three email sales a minute because of the New York Times article, and it certainly took 2 of us to cope (and then celebrate as it is his birthday tomorrow). He had totally sold out within the hour. Talk about other universes where there is no struggle... It's quite an eye opener in terms of how we make such small spaces for ourselves...
I also wrote the first chapter of our book today.
My mum says it is neptune in Aquarius transiting opposite Saturn in Leo.
Whatever - it is it is a big day and I am just happy i managed to sit quietly in the vines on it.
6 Comments:
Good morning, warthogs & butterflies alike! :-)
I have a busy day in store...but I sat for 20 minutes this morning, so I guess I'm off to a good start...
Hope your day goes well, Lorianne. I didn't get up in time to meditate, but just had a nice yoga class with a lot of the time spent on quiet breathing exercises.
Something I wanted to say about the inevitable comparisons we all make (s/he seems to be noting more/better/more interesting effects from meditation than I do): I've always been particularly tense/scattered/absent and I think that's why regular meditation always makes such a noticeable difference; and why I took to it pretty enthusiastically from the first. Tending what you have is just as worthwhile as cultivating what you haven't much of, though.
Men, ah. I went nearly 5 years without a relationship and the one I'm in isn't becoming much of anything other than a few hours a week spent in each other's arms. Which is nice, and I have no complaint. But last night he told me that he received a 'marriage proposal' from a 20 year old woman, who said, "I love you, I want to marry you, I don't care if you're 30 years older than me.' He laughed and said no way. But no woman is going to say such a thing, not even a student, which is what she is, without some involvement on his part. After I hung up from the phone call I found my Rabbi's number and called him... I haven't spoken to him in 2 1/2 years. He's really the love of my life, though I keep fighting that notion, and it was wonderful to talk to someone who I feel great affection for and who likewise feels great affection for me and who's obviously missed me. I haven't seen the Rabbi in 5 years; we've reconnected, but it's only going to be a phone relationship. My Science Professor, ah, well, I don't know. I'm 7 years older than him, and I think he really is more interested in finding a younger woman. Perhaps we shall stay lovers for awhile and perhaps after that we can make a friendship out of what we have shared, out of our liking for each other. I thought I was falling in love, but, ah, the young student, and there will be others, which simultaneously stops me and frees me of illusions.
I am almost 54, and would like a pool of loving men... so when one hurts me I can turn to another. I no longer want to be only with one man, even if I am only sexually intimate with one, I want there to be other men with whom I am close, with whom there is love. I'd like to open my world out more. The Cyber Romance of last year left me with this legacy, only one, and if he disappears, you're crushed. So there should be a number of men in my life, deep friendships, intimate trust.
Do you think this untoward?
After my 'reunion' conversation with the Rabbi, I felt blissful, happy, contented. That most certainly wouldn't have happened had I only spoken to the Science Professor, who left me feeling unimportant even as we made arrangements to meet this week. I feel to turn to someone else in a moment like this is fine. When the Rabbi knocks me for a loop (it's been 9 interspersed years, and we lived together for the first year), then I'll call the Science Professor, or another man with whom I am developing what looks to be a fine friendship with.
They say you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket, and, for now, I shalln't. It seems emotionally healthier to be more open to a number of intimate relationships even if, as I said, there is only one that is sexually intimate.
Oh, dear!
I shalln't keep you apprised of my increasingly complex love life; I'm sure to bore you all.
But I will say that still after all this I managed to meditate with the usual calm and joy. Oh, the first 5 minutes was flustered, especially considering my ethical beliefs, not hurting anyone, including myself, loving kindness towards all, but then I settled in to the rich emptiness.
Hmm. I fear we may insist on updates, Brenda :-) It sounds like a case for a tonglen-like "breathing in his inconsistency and breathing out your love" or something like that. Anyway, you're an inspiration - none of the legions of single women in their 50s whom I know ever has a breath of a possibility of any love life. I'm both filled with awe and appreciation of women like those you wrote about today on your blog, and think, well, something went wrong, didn't it, if all these women are these days 'spare' for the last 20, 30 or more years of our lives? Strange times we live in, in so many, many ways. Anyway, it is all food for making compost and growing equanimity and compassion in it, however hard that feels sometimes, that's for sure. There can't be anything more worthwhile that cultivating the ability to feel love without withdrawing from it in pain and fear.
Okay, hearing about Brenda's multifaceted love-life is *really* making me feel like a warthog. ;-)
Sat today in the vines after my run and stretch listening to early spring bird song. Thank god I sat thismorning because at about midday julian started recieving about three email sales a minute because of the New York Times article, and it certainly took 2 of us to cope (and then celebrate as it is his birthday tomorrow). He had totally sold out within the hour. Talk about other universes where there is no struggle... It's quite an eye opener in terms of how we make such small spaces for ourselves...
I also wrote the first chapter of our book today.
My mum says it is neptune in Aquarius transiting opposite Saturn in Leo.
Whatever - it is it is a big day and I am just happy i managed to sit quietly in the vines on it.
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