G'morning, all! Can you believe we're already over halfway to the next 100 days?
I took the weekend off from serious cushion sitting as well as checking in here. Wow, there's a lot going on in everyone's lives: people moving, leaving jobs, coming, going, etc. Love & hugs to all who need it, and a bit "hooray" for life's transitions, even when they aren't fun to navigate.
I sat this morning first thing. The upside of sitting first thing is your brain isn't awake enough to wander very far... :-)
Beth, thinking of you very much after the service for your mother.
And Stray, you too.
Hugs all round.
And the retreat? Sitting quietly, looking at difficult emotion as it arises in the body, resolving to do that more often, to face into pain, to cradle feelings instead of precipitately acting on them. Facing head on and at length what the regular meditation practice over the past year has made me start to face anyway: those of my habitual responses and behaviour patterns that appall and grieve me (in my case mostly excessive defensiveness and self-protectiveness, avoidance, evasiveness, unreliability) And why is this relevant to anger? Well, because anger comes mostly, for me anyway, when I can't face pain and vulnerability, so put it out there, make it into something more external, more superficially empowering. Hard stuff. Pain and shame and tears. Oooh! :-)
(( jean )) , and Beth, and Mary too - I seem to remember something to do with a carpet?
Jean ... yes, how hard it is to do what you're describing, and how courageous to face it as you're trying to!
The funeral was all the things funerals are, but more so (for me) than ever before. I am without doubt sadder than I have ever been in my life. And I'm wondering why ... because this person was the closest I have lost? Because it compounds all previous losses? Because she was the same age as my own parents, who look increasingly fragile even in their late 50s? Because my family (both sides) have for generations failed to see their seventies? Because there is nobody to reach out for in the middle of the night when all those things add up and I'm scared / angry / confused? I'm not sure. Possibly because until a year ago I would have tipped a few drinks down and anaesthetised those feelings away before I could even name them.
It was also moving, elating, peaceful and induced huge amounts of gratitude at having been lucky to love and feel so loved by such an amazing person. And wonderful to see so many people I care about. Many of whom I haven't seen for years. And a good impetus to say I love you / I miss you. To vow to stay in touch better and think it might really happen.
Came back to stupid petty emails from clients who make such drama out of everything, and feel grateful that today I have some perspective.
Sounds like some here have been facing some difficult things. Love to you all.
This week I had one of the more extraordinary meditation experiences of my life. We were on a relatively calm stretch of river for the morning, so I folded my legs, sitting there on the raft alone in front of the oarsman who was also quiet, and meditated over the shining water for a long, long time. Don't really know how long. Longer than I've sat for ages, that's for sure. But doing it in that particular context of incredible beauty, serenity, along the green ribbon of water... wow.
There were hard parts to the trip, physically and emotionally, but overall it was a good trip. Good to be home, dry and warm. Good to reconnect.
"the idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while never arriving"
In my daughter's philosophy homework tonight, which she asked me to look over.
It's priceless and perfectly describes me. How about you?
I am so sorry to hear of the difficult transitions, grieving, significant moments of letting go, burial of ashes, Beth, funeral, Stray, and it's hard because I know we each walk alone and yet we all want to reach out and be together and be held too...
Holding you all tonight in my arms, Beth, Stray, Jean, Lorianne, MB, very wide arms,
those circles of meditating figures with a candle in the middle, white, hand-made pottery by women from Mexico
even in a state of constant departure while never arriving...
5 Comments:
G'morning, all! Can you believe we're already over halfway to the next 100 days?
I took the weekend off from serious cushion sitting as well as checking in here. Wow, there's a lot going on in everyone's lives: people moving, leaving jobs, coming, going, etc. Love & hugs to all who need it, and a bit "hooray" for life's transitions, even when they aren't fun to navigate.
I sat this morning first thing. The upside of sitting first thing is your brain isn't awake enough to wander very far... :-)
Yes, that's exactly why I do it, Lorianne.
Beth, thinking of you very much after the service for your mother.
And Stray, you too.
Hugs all round.
And the retreat? Sitting quietly, looking at difficult emotion as it arises in the body, resolving to do that more often, to face into pain, to cradle feelings instead of precipitately acting on them. Facing head on and at length what the regular meditation practice over the past year has made me start to face anyway: those of my habitual responses and behaviour patterns that appall and grieve me (in my case mostly excessive defensiveness and self-protectiveness, avoidance, evasiveness, unreliability) And why is this relevant to anger? Well, because anger comes mostly, for me anyway, when I can't face pain and vulnerability, so put it out there, make it into something more external, more superficially empowering. Hard stuff. Pain and shame and tears. Oooh! :-)
(( jean )) , and Beth, and Mary too - I seem to remember something to do with a carpet?
Jean ... yes, how hard it is to do what you're describing, and how courageous to face it as you're trying to!
The funeral was all the things funerals are, but more so (for me) than ever before. I am without doubt sadder than I have ever been in my life. And I'm wondering why ... because this person was the closest I have lost? Because it compounds all previous losses? Because she was the same age as my own parents, who look increasingly fragile even in their late 50s? Because my family (both sides) have for generations failed to see their seventies? Because there is nobody to reach out for in the middle of the night when all those things add up and I'm scared / angry / confused? I'm not sure. Possibly because until a year ago I would have tipped a few drinks down and anaesthetised those feelings away before I could even name them.
It was also moving, elating, peaceful and induced huge amounts of gratitude at having been lucky to love and feel so loved by such an amazing person. And wonderful to see so many people I care about. Many of whom I haven't seen for years. And a good impetus to say I love you / I miss you. To vow to stay in touch better and think it might really happen.
Came back to stupid petty emails from clients who make such drama out of everything, and feel grateful that today I have some perspective.
love to all ... xx
Sounds like some here have been facing some difficult things. Love to you all.
This week I had one of the more extraordinary meditation experiences of my life. We were on a relatively calm stretch of river for the morning, so I folded my legs, sitting there on the raft alone in front of the oarsman who was also quiet, and meditated over the shining water for a long, long time. Don't really know how long. Longer than I've sat for ages, that's for sure. But doing it in that particular context of incredible beauty, serenity, along the green ribbon of water... wow.
There were hard parts to the trip, physically and emotionally, but overall it was a good trip. Good to be home, dry and warm. Good to reconnect.
Constancy?
"the idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while never arriving"
In my daughter's philosophy homework tonight, which she asked me to look over.
It's priceless and perfectly describes me. How about you?
I am so sorry to hear of the difficult transitions, grieving, significant moments of letting go, burial of ashes, Beth, funeral, Stray, and it's hard because I know we each walk alone and yet we all want to reach out and be together and be held too...
Holding you all tonight in my arms, Beth, Stray, Jean, Lorianne, MB, very wide arms,
those circles of meditating figures with a candle in the middle, white, hand-made pottery by women from Mexico
even in a state of constant departure while never arriving...
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