Stray, the mouse story made me laugh a lot, even as my heart goes out to you that you hurt so much and felt like retreating to the wardrobe!
Your words, and Brenda's, mean a lot to me. My problem has been, and continues to be, that I do withold, for fear of the pain - not from a conscious wish to do so, far from it; it comes from much deeper. It's a lousy way to live. I'm trying to change. I sometimes feel I'm too old to change. But the more I sit in meditation the more clearly I see the behaviour I don't like in myself, and the more I cannot bear it. It's all so hard, but absolutely better to be with it than to avoid.
By the way, I'm going on a weekend retreat tomorrow (FWBO retreat centre in Sussex) where the theme is dealing with anger. I guess, like many Westerners, I have a certain resistence the buddhist view that anger (even when righteous) is most often a negative thing. But I'm coming around to appreciating this, and to seeing that that doesn't mean being passive and accepting of damaging or even evil things that we obviously should not accept. I'm interested, and a little chary, of what I may learn and experience this weekend.
I'm also breathing deeply and managing (just about) not to get angry at work this morning. I feel exploited by a manager's refusal to discuss an issue of additional work with me, in the obvious hope that if I don't get a chance to raise it, it will just happen and I will have to do it. I don't intend to accept this. But I want to cradle my own upset about it, feel it, but not let it escalate and make me perhaps act or speak in a way that is far from useful. I know from experience with this particular manager that if I get emotional with her, or even too forthright, she will just retreat and be even less helpful, because she can't deal with that. Trying to act differently from my usual patterns makes me literally shake, physically and mentally. But, yup, all that sitting seems to bring me here...
Good luck, Jean, with the work situation: it sounds like your karma is rubbing right against your boss's karma, and the result isn't comfortable. One thing that sitting reveals, I think, is the fact that this stuff doesn't go away. You can run from it, avoid it, or hide from it, but it's always there waiting to manifest itself.
Kinda like, I guess, a dead mouse in a wardrobe. ;-)
Today's another busy teaching day, but I sat 10 minutes first thing, so here's hoping those mindful moments will carry me through. Love to all...
Stray, Brenda, Lorianne, Jean. What you've all said. Thank you so much. Your words have helped.
I have been sitting in the morning this past week for c. 20 minutes. Thank goodness. It has become a priority once again. Just reacquainting myself with the luxury of silence has been wonderful. I have been aware of the physical tensions in various parts of the body but it has been good to get that information.
But I'm exhausted and painted out. But I simply cannot paint another door ... I have two more to do in the kitchen supposedly before Saturday and I just can't do them.
And I have so much STUFF still left. Even (especially) in a small 1 bedroom flat with inadequate storage space. I don't know what to do with it, how to make it look OK when potential buyers start looking around. I want to cry. So I've stopped and I've come here.
This move is my choice, I know that. I know some of you have been in this position and lived to tell the tale. I know it won't kill me. I know I just have to breathe (and laugh a little maybe). And it will be OK.
Thanks all - Jean, I understand the urge to build walls, maintain carefully constructed barriers.
Mary (and Jean) - I totally relate to the moving chaos. When my partner and I split I had just a few weeks to divide our belongings (she couldn't face me so I had to do most of this alone) and sort everything out, and try to make/keep the place presentable all the while for new tenants to view as we were trying to exit our lease early. It's overwhelming.
All I can advise is: make use of your friends, and freecycle as much as you can.
Door painting is something people can help you with Mary. Really - these kinds of tasks are more joyful when undertaken for our friends. I was stunned when a bunch of my old drinking buddies took an hour out of their pub-time to come to my kitchen and wrap things in newspaper (they were still relatively sober at the time! ).
If you're really desperate and can afford it, get a temporary storage unit for a month and fling it all in there. Deal with the detail of it later. Or do you have a friend with a shed / cupboard where you could put some boxes? If you get desperate I have a very large garage!
Hugs all. Have managed to stay out of my wardrobe so far today ... and haven't sat on any rodents that I know of. Progress.
Stuff. One thing I want to do when I've quit my job (end of January, I think) is get rid of nearly all my stuff, *before* I have to do it to deadline. Thank you for making me thing about it, Mary!
5 Comments:
Stray, the mouse story made me laugh a lot, even as my heart goes out to you that you hurt so much and felt like retreating to the wardrobe!
Your words, and Brenda's, mean a lot to me. My problem has been, and continues to be, that I do withold, for fear of the pain - not from a conscious wish to do so, far from it; it comes from much deeper. It's a lousy way to live. I'm trying to change. I sometimes feel I'm too old to change. But the more I sit in meditation the more clearly I see the behaviour I don't like in myself, and the more I cannot bear it. It's all so hard, but absolutely better to be with it than to avoid.
By the way, I'm going on a weekend retreat tomorrow (FWBO retreat centre in Sussex) where the theme is dealing with anger. I guess, like many Westerners, I have a certain resistence the buddhist view that anger (even when righteous) is most often a negative thing. But I'm coming around to appreciating this, and to seeing that that doesn't mean being passive and accepting of damaging or even evil things that we obviously should not accept. I'm interested, and a little chary, of what I may learn and experience this weekend.
I'm also breathing deeply and managing (just about) not to get angry at work this morning. I feel exploited by a manager's refusal to discuss an issue of additional work with me, in the obvious hope that if I don't get a chance to raise it, it will just happen and I will have to do it. I don't intend to accept this. But I want to cradle my own upset about it, feel it, but not let it escalate and make me perhaps act or speak in a way that is far from useful. I know from experience with this particular manager that if I get emotional with her, or even too forthright, she will just retreat and be even less helpful, because she can't deal with that. Trying to act differently from my usual patterns makes me literally shake, physically and mentally. But, yup, all that sitting seems to bring me here...
Good luck, Jean, with the work situation: it sounds like your karma is rubbing right against your boss's karma, and the result isn't comfortable. One thing that sitting reveals, I think, is the fact that this stuff doesn't go away. You can run from it, avoid it, or hide from it, but it's always there waiting to manifest itself.
Kinda like, I guess, a dead mouse in a wardrobe. ;-)
Today's another busy teaching day, but I sat 10 minutes first thing, so here's hoping those mindful moments will carry me through. Love to all...
Stray, Brenda, Lorianne, Jean. What you've all said. Thank you so much. Your words have helped.
I have been sitting in the morning this past week for c. 20 minutes. Thank goodness. It has become a priority once again. Just reacquainting myself with the luxury of silence has been wonderful. I have been aware of the physical tensions in various parts of the body but it has been good to get that information.
But I'm exhausted and painted out. But I simply cannot paint another door ... I have two more to do in the kitchen supposedly before Saturday and I just can't do them.
And I have so much STUFF still left. Even (especially) in a small 1 bedroom flat with inadequate storage space. I don't know what to do with it, how to make it look OK when potential buyers start looking around. I want to cry. So I've stopped and I've come here.
This move is my choice, I know that. I know some of you have been in this position and lived to tell the tale. I know it won't kill me. I know I just have to breathe (and laugh a little maybe). And it will be OK.
Thanks all - Jean, I understand the urge to build walls, maintain carefully constructed barriers.
Mary (and Jean) - I totally relate to the moving chaos. When my partner and I split I had just a few weeks to divide our belongings (she couldn't face me so I had to do most of this alone) and sort everything out, and try to make/keep the place presentable all the while for new tenants to view as we were trying to exit our lease early. It's overwhelming.
All I can advise is: make use of your friends, and freecycle as much as you can.
Door painting is something people can help you with Mary. Really - these kinds of tasks are more joyful when undertaken for our friends. I was stunned when a bunch of my old drinking buddies took an hour out of their pub-time to come to my kitchen and wrap things in newspaper (they were still relatively sober at the time! ).
If you're really desperate and can afford it, get a temporary storage unit for a month and fling it all in there. Deal with the detail of it later. Or do you have a friend with a shed / cupboard where you could put some boxes? If you get desperate I have a very large garage!
Hugs all. Have managed to stay out of my wardrobe so far today ... and haven't sat on any rodents that I know of. Progress.
xx
Hugs, Mary, Jean, Stray.
Stuff. One thing I want to do when I've quit my job (end of January, I think) is get rid of nearly all my stuff, *before* I have to do it to deadline. Thank you for making me thing about it, Mary!
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