{{{Devon}}} I know how draining this is, praying for resolution...
MB, I can't respond on my site. Perhaps unintentionally I make it seem as if, but it hasn't happened yet, only the sentence, weeks at most to live; devastating, and unexpected...
My ex-mother-in-law is dying of cancer; it was only discovered a few days ago; in her bowls, her liver. I'm not sure if I should go to see her. It's a difficult situation. I'm still legally married to her son, but he's been in a common-law relationship for 7 years, and his girlfriend had asked for him to cut all contact with me, which he's done.
I feel my ex-MIL wants some kind of absolution from me, since she was instrumental in the break-up of the marriage, but for all the wrong reasons (it was competitive, she's the center of his life, wanted to remain there). She was also a closet alcoholic, family secret, and I called her on it once, only asking if she always spiked her morning oj with vodka, resulting in her hiding her bottles from me (at our cottage) and treating me with distrust, etc., from then on.
Despite her ravaged edges, she's a beautiful and loving woman and is adored by my two children. This is the first death of someone they're close to, someone they love...
[[Devon]]: Challenging indeed ... sending you courage and love. It is hard at times not to be reactive. Even just the positive intention towards right action counts for a great deal in such situations.
[[Brenda]]: I'm so sorry. This kind of news is a deep shock and is particularly hard for children, I know. Wishing you peace in whatever you decide to do.
Brenda, because I am dealing now with the impending death of my own mother, all those thoughts about closure and forgiveness and absolution are on my mind. We have a very good relationship, but I want to make sure there are no things unsaid. Frankly this is more for me than for her. Once the door has shut, it's shut forever, so I would urge you to do what you need to do for your own peace of mind, and for your children. Anything you do will be a gift to her, whether it's deserved or not.
I'm sorry, too, about the shock of the diagnosis - I know, it's very hard. Love from here.
Thank you Devon, Mary, Jude, Beth, so much. Unless word comes back with the children after this weekend not to, what I will do is go to the hospital with my daughter next week, and she can ask granma if it's okay if I come in to see her. When my Dad was dying my mother wanted to see him, it had been nearly 15 years since their divorce, but he was emaciated, fed and cathetered with multiple tubes, and couldn't even talk with the tracheotomy, and said no. He was in ICU so we could protect him. My brother read a letter to him from her instead. My ex-MIL may not want to see me, or me to see her in this very last stretch of her 84 years of life. I'll go, but won't go in without her saying yes. Thank you all for helping me sort through this. xo
8 Comments:
(((Devon))) This sounds very challenging. Much peace and love to you.
{{{Devon}}} Thinking of you in this really difficult situation.
{{{Devon}}} I know how draining this is, praying for resolution...
MB, I can't respond on my site. Perhaps unintentionally I make it seem as if, but it hasn't happened yet, only the sentence, weeks at most to live; devastating, and unexpected...
My ex-mother-in-law is dying of cancer; it was only discovered a few days ago; in her bowls, her liver. I'm not sure if I should go to see her. It's a difficult situation. I'm still legally married to her son, but he's been in a common-law relationship for 7 years, and his girlfriend had asked for him to cut all contact with me, which he's done.
I feel my ex-MIL wants some kind of absolution from me, since she was instrumental in the break-up of the marriage, but for all the wrong reasons (it was competitive, she's the center of his life, wanted to remain there). She was also a closet alcoholic, family secret, and I called her on it once, only asking if she always spiked her morning oj with vodka, resulting in her hiding her bottles from me (at our cottage) and treating me with distrust, etc., from then on.
Despite her ravaged edges, she's a beautiful and loving woman and is adored by my two children. This is the first death of someone they're close to, someone they love...
[[Devon]]: Challenging indeed ... sending you courage and love. It is hard at times not to be reactive. Even just the positive intention towards right action counts for a great deal in such situations.
[[Brenda]]: I'm so sorry. This kind of news is a deep shock and is particularly hard for children, I know. Wishing you peace in whatever you decide to do.
Brenda, because I am dealing now with the impending death of my own mother, all those thoughts about closure and forgiveness and absolution are on my mind. We have a very good relationship, but I want to make sure there are no things unsaid. Frankly this is more for me than for her. Once the door has shut, it's shut forever, so I would urge you to do what you need to do for your own peace of mind, and for your children. Anything you do will be a gift to her, whether it's deserved or not.
I'm sorry, too, about the shock of the diagnosis - I know, it's very hard. Love from here.
Thank you Devon, Mary, Jude, Beth, so much. Unless word comes back with the children after this weekend not to, what I will do is go to the hospital with my daughter next week, and she can ask granma if it's okay if I come in to see her. When my Dad was dying my mother wanted to see him, it had been nearly 15 years since their divorce, but he was emaciated, fed and cathetered with multiple tubes, and couldn't even talk with the tracheotomy, and said no. He was in ICU so we could protect him. My brother read a letter to him from her instead. My ex-MIL may not want to see me, or me to see her in this very last stretch of her 84 years of life. I'll go, but won't go in without her saying yes. Thank you all for helping me sort through this. xo
I'll be thinking of you, Brenda. That sounds like a very good plan, taking everyone into account and not forcing anything. I admire you.
{{{Devon}}} & {{{Brenda}}}
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