Good morning, Udge, good morning all! Ruth, thank you for your thoughts and the gentle nudge to write more here. I'll try to do that as time allows. And please don't make me into any kind of a saint for how I am dealing with a difficult situation here; it has been hard and continues to be. Right now I'm obviosuyl awake in the night, as I have been most nights for a long time. I'm still at my parents' home and it looks like I'll be here a while. My mother, we hope, will be able to come home from the hospital tomorrow but none of us know if she'll regain some strength and have another period of self-sufficient time, or if we are looking at the final decline now. So my life has just become totally unpredictable. My husband went back yesterday to our home in Vermont and will be the flexible one, taking care of things "out there" while I am here.
My mother is remarkable, facing reality squarely: She is weak and ever thinner, but still herself in many ways. Yesterday afternoon I was alone with her in the hospital for three hours, and we had a long talk about many things, coming back now and again to things she wants/needs to tell me. I have been able to be strong in her presence; her own stoicism and courage help me to do that,a nd I know it is the best gift I can give her. She knows how I feel inside, so it's not a matter of "hiding" my true feelings from her, but of coping so that she doesn't have to comfort (and worry about) me the way she is doing for so many other people who love her. But in the elevator and on the drive home I was pretty weepy. It comes and goes, and I've had enough experience with grief to know this is the way it is, at least for me. And then there is the fatigue and the sleeplessness in the middle of the night. Right now I am going to turn off the light, post this, and concntrate on my breath until sleep comes, which I am sure it will. Love to all of you, and thanks for your love and support. I very definitely feel it!
Beth, it's a privilege to be one of those you think of at night when it's hard to sleep. You and your mother both seem remarkable to me. The best gift you can give her is just being there, fully there, with her, I think. I hope you can draw on the best and strongest of yourself, but not pretend - a fine line, but the truthful one. lots of love.
Beth, conversations like that are so precious and important. When my father was dying, in IC for 6 months, tubes for breathing, eating, cathetering, lung & heart machines, multiple drugs including good doses of morphine, he came to terms with death. I went to the hospital every day. While we couldn't talk, I did learn to lip read, and he wrote scratchy notes, and we came to a place of peace. When he finally decided to unplug everything and let nature take its course, those days of dying, were remarkable. The stress of his decline, and the terrible pain of grieving his loss that was to come later, was suspended in a sense of peace. He wouldn't let any of us watch him die, a proud man to the end, but I had a powerful vision of him at the moment of death and he emitted powerful, sustaining love and then was gone.
I don't know why death is; I don't know why grief is. Except perhaps to deepen us, cause compassion to sing its sonorous song in us.
This time with your mother is a gracious gift. Of love, beauty, sharing.
With you in spirit, and feeling grateful you are sharing this intimacy with us...
Ah Beth, my heart is with you. These are difficult times. I was struck by the way you said "it comes and goes" for that has been my experience with grief as well. All I have known to do is to let it wash over me when it comes, and to do what I can to gather/replenish strength (usually by connecting with others/self/world/spirit, or sometimes sleeping if I could) when it goes. Much love and peace (and good rest!) to you.
Brenda, I somehow missed your comment the other day about feeling on the left end of this group and thinking about disappearing a while. I confess, your thoughts, if I understood them correctly, surprised me. I have always thought of this group as very diverse... in all directions, left, right, up, down, middle as can be, traditional, nontraditional, bifurcated, trifurcated, whatever! But unified by a sense of purpose and by compassion and the support of each other's efforts. It seems to me that you fit well within the bounds of such a group, and I can only hope that you feel comfortable enough to stay on.
Beth, I can't add to what everyone else has said so beautifully. Yes, these are difficult times, and they are powerful ones as well .. my thoughts are with you. My experience too in these situations is that the feelings do come and go, and certainly not to order. You are in my thoughts.
Brenda, really pleased to see your lovely signature photo in the comments ...
MB, So sorry I missed your post of a few days ago .. I hope and trust that the anxiety is receding ..
What a day, it is so hard in a crazy workplace not to get caught up in the madness of it all .. and I didn't succeed in staying centred today. The meditation DOES help, and I probably get caught up less often that before, but it still gets me on occasions. Nice to know I can start again at any time ..
Good thoughts and a peaceful evening (or morning in Jude's case) to all ...
Hello, Just thought I'd let you know that I am on day 4, but starting from your Day 19. Does that make any sense?! Anywho, this is a great idea for a blog, and I'll drop in from time to time to leave a comment. Thanks for the inspiration.
Now saying good night, everybody, and thank you so much for all your loving words today.
Brenda, I second what others have said - this group has big wide arms to encompass everyone, I think, and it would certainly be impoverished by your absence. Besides, I don't think you are far out in any direction - or that that kind of stuff really matters in this group. Seems to me that we are enriched by our diversity.
Thank you MB, Mary, Beth, and Jean and Dale from a few days ago. There's a part of me that likes to be somewhat contentious, and I'm not always capable of smoothing things. I noticed the subscribers had dropped, and I thought it possibly me, my fault. And that if I couldn't stop being a little, you know, blatant, whatever it is, I don't know the best word to describe it, it might be better to leave.
But when Dale turned what I said into another comment, that mediation itself is free, an act of liberation, politically 'left,' subversive, why, oh. Yes. Gasp.
That's it. I'm glad I'm still welcome. And I hope the discussions I sometimes start aren't what's behind the recent disappearing of subscribers (with bloglines, from maybe 9 or 10 down to 6, in a few days). Wonder what it was?
Well, I didn't say "left," Brenda -- I don't actually identify with that word much anymore; there are people who consider themselves "right" or even "far right" with whom I have a great deal in common, and some of them meditate seriously. We share the common ideals of freedom from domination and exploitation, even if we have very different ideas about how to get there. And there are some people who identify with the left with whom I have almost no political views in common at all. But I daresay most Americans would call me far left, if they didn't call me lunatic fringe :-)
... but anyway I'm glad it helped make you feel you belong! & I don't think the slow traffic had anything to do with your posts; I think it's just that everyone got very busy at the same time.
Dale, I knew when I used the word 'left' it might push a button. See what I mean about being, oh, I don't have a word for it. The actual political spectrum as it now is, where left can be very conservative, right very socialist, isn't what I meant, and yet I used the word anyway, suspecting it would produce a response. I got chided. But if I didn't do those things then I wouldn't and it would be easier.
The difficulties that erupted over my experience during meditation, the ensuing discussion where things were flipped to satori, a concept I don't even believe in, were perhaps part of the reason a couple of people chose to unsub.
Since I can't stop being somewhat controversial... perhaps I ought to slip away is what I meant.
15 Comments:
Good morning, Udge, good morning all! Ruth, thank you for your thoughts and the gentle nudge to write more here. I'll try to do that as time allows. And please don't make me into any kind of a saint for how I am dealing with a difficult situation here; it has been hard and continues to be. Right now I'm obviosuyl awake in the night, as I have been most nights for a long time. I'm still at my parents' home and it looks like I'll be here a while. My mother, we hope, will be able to come home from the hospital tomorrow but none of us know if she'll regain some strength and have another period of self-sufficient time, or if we are looking at the final decline now. So my life has just become totally unpredictable. My husband went back yesterday to our home in Vermont and will be the flexible one, taking care of things "out there" while I am here.
My mother is remarkable, facing reality squarely: She is weak and ever thinner, but still herself in many ways. Yesterday afternoon I was alone with her in the hospital for three hours, and we had a long talk about many things, coming back now and again to things she wants/needs to tell me. I have been able to be strong in her presence; her own stoicism and courage help me to do that,a nd I know it is the best gift I can give her. She knows how I feel inside, so it's not a matter of "hiding" my true feelings from her, but of coping so that she doesn't have to comfort (and worry about) me the way she is doing for so many other people who love her. But in the elevator and on the drive home I was pretty weepy. It comes and goes, and I've had enough experience with grief to know this is the way it is, at least for me. And then there is the fatigue and the sleeplessness in the middle of the night. Right now I am going to turn off the light, post this, and concntrate on my breath until sleep comes, which I am sure it will. Love to all of you, and thanks for your love and support. I very definitely feel it!
Beth, it's a privilege to be one of those you think of at night when it's hard to sleep. You and your mother both seem remarkable to me. The best gift you can give her is just being there, fully there, with her, I think. I hope you can draw on the best and strongest of yourself, but not pretend - a fine line, but the truthful one. lots of love.
And to all of you.
Beth, conversations like that are so precious and important. When my father was dying, in IC for 6 months, tubes for breathing, eating, cathetering, lung & heart machines, multiple drugs including good doses of morphine, he came to terms with death. I went to the hospital every day. While we couldn't talk, I did learn to lip read, and he wrote scratchy notes, and we came to a place of peace. When he finally decided to unplug everything and let nature take its course, those days of dying, were remarkable. The stress of his decline, and the terrible pain of grieving his loss that was to come later, was suspended in a sense of peace. He wouldn't let any of us watch him die, a proud man to the end, but I had a powerful vision of him at the moment of death and he emitted powerful, sustaining love and then was gone.
I don't know why death is; I don't know why grief is. Except perhaps to deepen us, cause compassion to sing its sonorous song in us.
This time with your mother is a gracious gift. Of love, beauty, sharing.
With you in spirit, and feeling grateful you are sharing this intimacy with us...
Ah Beth, my heart is with you. These are difficult times. I was struck by the way you said "it comes and goes" for that has been my experience with grief as well. All I have known to do is to let it wash over me when it comes, and to do what I can to gather/replenish strength (usually by connecting with others/self/world/spirit, or sometimes sleeping if I could) when it goes. Much love and peace (and good rest!) to you.
Brenda, I somehow missed your comment the other day about feeling on the left end of this group and thinking about disappearing a while. I confess, your thoughts, if I understood them correctly, surprised me. I have always thought of this group as very diverse... in all directions, left, right, up, down, middle as can be, traditional, nontraditional, bifurcated, trifurcated, whatever! But unified by a sense of purpose and by compassion and the support of each other's efforts. It seems to me that you fit well within the bounds of such a group, and I can only hope that you feel comfortable enough to stay on.
And Jean, thank you for your very kind words of comfort to me.
Beth, I can't add to what everyone else has said so beautifully. Yes, these are difficult times, and they are powerful ones as well .. my thoughts are with you. My experience too in these situations is that the feelings do come and go, and certainly not to order. You are in my thoughts.
Brenda, really pleased to see your lovely signature photo in the comments ...
MB, So sorry I missed your post of a few days ago .. I hope and trust that the anxiety is receding ..
What a day, it is so hard in a crazy workplace not to get caught up in the madness of it all .. and I didn't succeed in staying centred today. The meditation DOES help, and I probably get caught up less often that before, but it still gets me on occasions. Nice to know I can start again at any time ..
Good thoughts and a peaceful evening (or morning in Jude's case) to all ...
Hello, Just thought I'd let you know that I am on day 4, but starting from your Day 19. Does that make any sense?! Anywho, this is a great idea for a blog, and I'll drop in from time to time to leave a comment. Thanks for the inspiration.
Love
atom
x
Welcome, Atom!
Now saying good night, everybody, and thank you so much for all your loving words today.
Brenda, I second what others have said - this group has big wide arms to encompass everyone, I think, and it would certainly be impoverished by your absence. Besides, I don't think you are far out in any direction - or that that kind of stuff really matters in this group. Seems to me that we are enriched by our diversity.
Thank you MB, Mary, Beth, and Jean and Dale from a few days ago. There's a part of me that likes to be somewhat contentious, and I'm not always capable of smoothing things. I noticed the subscribers had dropped, and I thought it possibly me, my fault. And that if I couldn't stop being a little, you know, blatant, whatever it is, I don't know the best word to describe it, it might be better to leave.
But when Dale turned what I said into another comment, that mediation itself is free, an act of liberation, politically 'left,' subversive, why, oh. Yes. Gasp.
That's it. I'm glad I'm still welcome. And I hope the discussions I sometimes start aren't what's behind the recent disappearing of subscribers (with bloglines, from maybe 9 or 10 down to 6, in a few days). Wonder what it was?
Oh, hi Atom, it's a great group, welcome!
Well, I didn't say "left," Brenda -- I don't actually identify with that word much anymore; there are people who consider themselves "right" or even "far right" with whom I have a great deal in common, and some of them meditate seriously. We share the common ideals of freedom from domination and exploitation, even if we have very different ideas about how to get there. And there are some people who identify with the left with whom I have almost no political views in common at all. But I daresay most Americans would call me far left, if they didn't call me lunatic fringe :-)
... but anyway I'm glad it helped make you feel you belong! & I don't think the slow traffic had anything to do with your posts; I think it's just that everyone got very busy at the same time.
xoxoxo
Dale, I knew when I used the word 'left' it might push a button. See what I mean about being, oh, I don't have a word for it. The actual political spectrum as it now is, where left can be very conservative, right very socialist, isn't what I meant, and yet I used the word anyway, suspecting it would produce a response. I got chided. But if I didn't do those things then I wouldn't and it would be easier.
The difficulties that erupted over my experience during meditation, the ensuing discussion where things were flipped to satori, a concept I don't even believe in, were perhaps part of the reason a couple of people chose to unsub.
Since I can't stop being somewhat controversial... perhaps I ought to slip away is what I meant.
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