I'm still here, desperate to see the sun and feel some sunshine on my yellow-cold skin. Meditating still but not daily. Down about the dissertation and, completely perversely, that makes me do less - last month I began to feel I would never get to the end. Deep breathing does help - and I'm going to do a meditation visualising my graduation. I want to move on to other things, Anna, PLEASE! Shape up or ship out as the Americans say. :) Anna.
Hi everyone. Not a lot to say at the moment, just trudging on. But still here and still meditating, and glad that I am, and wishing you all strength and spaciousness.
Yes, don't worry Devon! I think we're just dividing a life into 100-day chunks!
Anna, I know the feeling so well. It is really hard when you are deep into a very big project and you feel like you can neither go backwards -- that would be such a negation of all the work you've done -- nor forward, because you know how much more you have to slog through. Of course you feel like sitting down and being motionless in the middle of that tunnel! My suggestion is to give yourself a real day or two off - do something you'd love to do, without guilt - and then set to work again with new determination. Do you have specific goals for your daily output, either time spent or words written? And do you also set aside break periods to do something you really enjoy? At the most discouraging points in my book project, I told myself not to think of the big picture or the whole project at all, because it felt overwhelming and suffocating, but simply to do my chunk of writing for the day and eventually they'd add up and I'd be done. That helped a lot when nothing else did. You can do it, but not by beating yourself up, so you have to find a way to give yourself little triumphs along the way - like today's 500 words, and then tomorrow's - with that wonderful half-hour walk afterwards...
What do you do when you're contemplating a Huge Life Change? I've been trying to figure out recently if I'm going in the right direction in my life--mainly professionally. I'm not in a happy job and have little time to breathe let alone devote to my practice, and I loathe that my ick job gets more of my energy than my practice. What to do? I know I should sit with this, but I don't know the point at which I should toss the towel in and say "enough is enough".
Dale--Does Yeats have a poem anywhere that tells me to get my tush back on the cush(ion)? I've fallen so far off the wagon with my daily practice, and sitting, that my having-been-raised-Catholic Guilt is trying to creep in and tempt me into feeling not-sitting-shame.
I remember reading once that shame is always tied to secrets and secrecy (could this have been in Julia Cameron's _The Artist's Way_?).
Though I have been getting up early the last two weeks to knit. Maybe that's why I don't feel quite so wobbly as other times when I'm not sitting with regularity.
I didn't sit much over my spring break, but then again I never do. I figure "spring breaking" means taking a rest from lots of stuff, even meditation. So now that I'm starting to dig out from under the usual post-vacation backlog, I'm ready to hit the cushion again, starting tonight.
Udge, thanks for the article: it hits the boring ol' nail on the head, doesn't it? :-)
And good vibes to Anna. I can't count the number of times I've been where you are, in the vicious cycle of lethargy, shame, and avoidance. The less you do, the less you *want* to do, etc.
Beth knows what she's talking about, so listen to her. :-) And keep in mind that when you're in a downward spiral (which is what a vicious circle is), it takes only one little thing to step *outside* the rut you've fallen into. Everything else unfolds from that first step.
So take a break as Beth suggests, then start fresh. Or decide *one tiny thing* you can easily accomplish so you feel like you can chalk up a "win" in your column: anything to break the cycle of negativity that dissertations *so* often inspire.
And without knowing the details of your situation, Clare, it's difficult to say what you "should" do. But it sounds like you're in a place where looking at your options would help address your feeling of being trapped. It seems to me that Huge Life Changes always start as little steps, and to take those little steps, you have to realize that you *do* have choices available to you: just because you've been doing it This Way for so long doesn't mean you can't gradually evolve toward doing it That Way.
Personally, I think knitting comes close to counting as meditation :) One of my best friends, a devout Episcopalian and contemplative, leads knitting retreats where the focus is on knitting as contemplation. Maybe you can just be more intentional about it...? How can saying a rosary count, and not knitting??
And Anna, listen to Lorianne too. She's one of the people who helped me keep going on my project! Welcome back, Lorianne.
Beth--Sometimes I do say Mani mantras with each stitch... :)
I guess the hard thing is that I don't tend to see it as practice proper. I should learn to see it differently; I will strive to do that. I need to attend a retreat of your friend's!
Lorianne--I spent some time with your co-graduate Dr. Lisa P earlier this month! We were conferencing together, since we both work on similar approaches to lit. She sends hugs.
Since Yeats didn't write one, I will. Here's my tush on the cush(ion) haiku:
this crunchy buckwheat settles into place under neath my sitting bum
MMM...everyone. good to hear your voices, and everyone here is worth listening to! I've learned lots from you all. catholic guilt is the thing that crippled my husband's ability to create, and especially earn a living from his creating, for half his life. Seeing it cripple his brother was the first time he caught a glimpse of it in himself. It is entirely life-changing stuff and I can vouch for that. anna all I can say is 'start where you are'. Akin to meditation, I think and best piece of advice ever given to me, especially in terms of my dissertation. I deleted most of it but it sure opened the channels and lead to what I did not delete. A daily sit is probably a good way to get to trust that as a starting place? I sat, am sitting. Bit perfunctory at he mo but still feel daily changes because of it. Love to you all.
Clare, give my best to Dr. Lisa when you see her. We sat next to each other at graduation, and the entire time I was panicked that someone would approach me and say, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mistake: you're not *really* graduating!" :-)
Did she end up getting a "real" (i.e. tenure track) job? From my perspective, it seemed like she was on the fast track to academic success!
Anna, when you need motivation, just remember that if you don't finish the damn thing you might end up like me!
Clare, I find it helps to think of my meditation as a self-indulgence, something I do instead of the chores. I can *always* find time to be self-indulgent :-)
Um, as for Yeats, maybe you can use the refrain of one of his early poems:
"Oh penny, brown penny, brown penny One cannot begin it too soon."
Oh, but another thing I've found really useful is -- when you think "oh, I should meditate!" and your mind bucks away from it -- just spend a minute or two being present with the resistance, experiencing it as fully as you can. That can be your meditation for the day.
& there's no such thing as a meditation that's too short. Do a three-breath mindfulness exercise -- just watch your breath go in and out three times. You can do that any time. Do it right now. (I just did it right now.)
What I've found is that usually once I get past that moment of resistance -- sometimes when I look at it it's really, frankly, panic -- I'm home free. So if I say a three breath meditation is enough (I have to mean it, mind -- it really does have to be okay if I just do the three breaths) -- I'm *much* more likely to sit more.
Plus, sometimes a three-breath meditation does more to turn the mind than a half-hour sit. Don't get caught in the "I don't have time to do it right so I won't do it at all" trap. The very best time to do it is when you don't have time to do it right.
Hello, everyone: Beth, mb, Lorianne, Ruth, Dale, thank you for your kind and wise support. Really grateful. Dale - you made me laugh! And Lorianne - that's it, absolutely: "lethargy, shame, avoidance" - crawling round and round in a massive, negative, insane circle of self-loathing and disgust - and panic, as this dissertation should have been done and dusted years ago. I'll print off your comments and further digest them (glue them to my forhead, even). Sorry to hijack the thread with my (yawn) PhD woes... but you really helped! Hugs and smiles, Anna.
19 Comments:
Here's a little (very) light reading for the morning: Zen is boring.
I'm still here, desperate to see the sun and feel some sunshine on my yellow-cold skin. Meditating still but not daily. Down about the dissertation and, completely perversely, that makes me do less - last month I began to feel I would never get to the end. Deep breathing does help - and I'm going to do a meditation visualising my graduation. I want to move on to other things, Anna, PLEASE! Shape up or ship out as the Americans say. :)
Anna.
That is a very good article, Udge. Thank you. It'w written in a jokey style but it hits the mark nonetheless.
Good luck Anna!
Sat briefly this morning. Could have sat longer. Didn't want to. Hmm. I'll commit here to doing an afternoon session as well.
Hi everyone. Not a lot to say at the moment, just trudging on. But still here and still meditating, and glad that I am, and wishing you all strength and spaciousness.
Devon, this is the second 100-day period, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last, but here as long as any of us want it.
Yes, don't worry Devon! I think we're just dividing a life into 100-day chunks!
Anna, I know the feeling so well. It is really hard when you are deep into a very big project and you feel like you can neither go backwards -- that would be such a negation of all the work you've done -- nor forward, because you know how much more you have to slog through. Of course you feel like sitting down and being motionless in the middle of that tunnel! My suggestion is to give yourself a real day or two off - do something you'd love to do, without guilt - and then set to work again with new determination. Do you have specific goals for your daily output, either time spent or words written? And do you also set aside break periods to do something you really enjoy? At the most discouraging points in my book project, I told myself not to think of the big picture or the whole project at all, because it felt overwhelming and suffocating, but simply to do my chunk of writing for the day and eventually they'd add up and I'd be done. That helped a lot when nothing else did. You can do it, but not by beating yourself up, so you have to find a way to give yourself little triumphs along the way - like today's 500 words, and then tomorrow's - with that wonderful half-hour walk afterwards...
Great article, Udge, thanks.
Anna, oh hang in there. Beth speaks words of wisdom, I think.
Mary, I'm admiring your perseverance.
Jean, I hope things are a little calmer for you these days, or at least will be soon.
My busy-ness increases this week, and I will be out of town and offline next week.
What do you do when you're contemplating a Huge Life Change? I've been trying to figure out recently if I'm going in the right direction in my life--mainly professionally. I'm not in a happy job and have little time to breathe let alone devote to my practice, and I loathe that my ick job gets more of my energy than my practice. What to do? I know I should sit with this, but I don't know the point at which I should toss the towel in and say "enough is enough".
Dale--Does Yeats have a poem anywhere that tells me to get my tush back on the cush(ion)? I've fallen so far off the wagon with my daily practice, and sitting, that my having-been-raised-Catholic Guilt is trying to creep in and tempt me into feeling not-sitting-shame.
I remember reading once that shame is always tied to secrets and secrecy (could this have been in Julia Cameron's _The Artist's Way_?).
Though I have been getting up early the last two weeks to knit. Maybe that's why I don't feel quite so wobbly as other times when I'm not sitting with regularity.
Love and light,
Clare
Hello, everyone: I'm back!
I didn't sit much over my spring break, but then again I never do. I figure "spring breaking" means taking a rest from lots of stuff, even meditation. So now that I'm starting to dig out from under the usual post-vacation backlog, I'm ready to hit the cushion again, starting tonight.
Udge, thanks for the article: it hits the boring ol' nail on the head, doesn't it? :-)
And good vibes to Anna. I can't count the number of times I've been where you are, in the vicious cycle of lethargy, shame, and avoidance. The less you do, the less you *want* to do, etc.
Beth knows what she's talking about, so listen to her. :-) And keep in mind that when you're in a downward spiral (which is what a vicious circle is), it takes only one little thing to step *outside* the rut you've fallen into. Everything else unfolds from that first step.
So take a break as Beth suggests, then start fresh. Or decide *one tiny thing* you can easily accomplish so you feel like you can chalk up a "win" in your column: anything to break the cycle of negativity that dissertations *so* often inspire.
And without knowing the details of your situation, Clare, it's difficult to say what you "should" do. But it sounds like you're in a place where looking at your options would help address your feeling of being trapped. It seems to me that Huge Life Changes always start as little steps, and to take those little steps, you have to realize that you *do* have choices available to you: just because you've been doing it This Way for so long doesn't mean you can't gradually evolve toward doing it That Way.
It's good to be back, everyone. :-)
Personally, I think knitting comes close to counting as meditation :) One of my best friends, a devout Episcopalian and contemplative, leads knitting retreats where the focus is on knitting as contemplation. Maybe you can just be more intentional about it...? How can saying a rosary count, and not knitting??
And Anna, listen to Lorianne too. She's one of the people who helped me keep going on my project! Welcome back, Lorianne.
Beth--Sometimes I do say Mani mantras with each stitch... :)
I guess the hard thing is that I don't tend to see it as practice proper. I should learn to see it differently; I will strive to do that. I need to attend a retreat of your friend's!
Lorianne--I spent some time with your co-graduate Dr. Lisa P earlier this month! We were conferencing together, since we both work on similar approaches to lit. She sends hugs.
Since Yeats didn't write one, I will. Here's my tush on the cush(ion) haiku:
this crunchy buckwheat
settles into place under
neath my sitting bum
smiles,
C
MMM...everyone. good to hear your voices, and everyone here is worth listening to! I've learned lots from you all.
catholic guilt is the thing that crippled my husband's ability to create, and especially earn a living from his creating, for half his life. Seeing it cripple his brother was the first time he caught a glimpse of it in himself. It is entirely life-changing stuff and I can vouch for that.
anna all I can say is 'start where you are'. Akin to meditation, I think and best piece of advice ever given to me, especially in terms of my dissertation. I deleted most of it but it sure opened the channels and lead to what I did not delete. A daily sit is probably a good way to get to trust that as a starting place?
I sat, am sitting. Bit perfunctory at he mo but still feel daily changes because of it. Love to you all.
Clare, give my best to Dr. Lisa when you see her. We sat next to each other at graduation, and the entire time I was panicked that someone would approach me and say, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mistake: you're not *really* graduating!" :-)
Did she end up getting a "real" (i.e. tenure track) job? From my perspective, it seemed like she was on the fast track to academic success!
Anna, when you need motivation, just remember that if you don't finish the damn thing you might end up like me!
Clare, I find it helps to think of my meditation as a self-indulgence, something I do instead of the chores. I can *always* find time to be self-indulgent :-)
Um, as for Yeats, maybe you can use the refrain of one of his early poems:
"Oh penny, brown penny, brown penny
One cannot begin it too soon."
Oh, but another thing I've found really useful is -- when you think "oh, I should meditate!" and your mind bucks away from it -- just spend a minute or two being present with the resistance, experiencing it as fully as you can. That can be your meditation for the day.
& there's no such thing as a meditation that's too short. Do a three-breath mindfulness exercise -- just watch your breath go in and out three times. You can do that any time. Do it right now. (I just did it right now.)
What I've found is that usually once I get past that moment of resistance -- sometimes when I look at it it's really, frankly, panic -- I'm home free. So if I say a three breath meditation is enough (I have to mean it, mind -- it really does have to be okay if I just do the three breaths) -- I'm *much* more likely to sit more.
Plus, sometimes a three-breath meditation does more to turn the mind than a half-hour sit. Don't get caught in the "I don't have time to do it right so I won't do it at all" trap. The very best time to do it is when you don't have time to do it right.
Oh, Dale, can I please end up like you?
God forbid!
...smiling at the whole conversation here.
props to clare for her "yeats"!
Hello, everyone:
Beth, mb, Lorianne, Ruth, Dale, thank you for your kind and wise support. Really grateful. Dale - you made me laugh! And Lorianne - that's it, absolutely: "lethargy, shame, avoidance" - crawling round and round in a massive, negative, insane circle of self-loathing and disgust - and panic, as this dissertation should have been done and dusted years ago. I'll print off your comments and further digest them (glue them to my forhead, even). Sorry to hijack the thread with my (yawn) PhD woes... but you really helped!
Hugs and smiles,
Anna.
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