Good morning. Love to everyone. Beth, what a rotten day you had yesterday. I hope you're able to rest and eat and take care of yourself today, I have many qualms about our healthcare culture of endless 'tests' and then waiting for the results... is it really an unqualified good thing? I don't think so.
Sat this morning. Overwhelmingly busy and tired, and it certainly helps with bearing up under that, but also makes me more aware of how I feel, the toll it takes - which is probably a good thing.
OK, no blame, no self-flagellation - just repair and re-commitment to another day, as you all say. Been meditating here and there, five minutes, nothing substantial but I have remained faithful to my commitment to run every morning (because the neighbour bangs on my frontdoor every morning at 0700!!!) Now, all I need is to get my inner neighbour to bang on my inner door at 0630 and MEDITATE. Will sit today. Anna.
Thanks, Lorianne, I really needed that boost! As I walked over the park to get more paper for my printer, I was thinking of how I'm like a pc: I have a default setting that I keep returning to: A default setting that is set to not meditating, not running, not learning to play the piano, not doing a home yoga practice, not writing the diss, etc etc. So every time I DO do any of this list, it seems like an add-on; like the pc when I temporarily change the settings - so running would be like changing the font, meditating like changing the line spacing etc etc. And when I get up in the morning, I'm back on default. So what I need to do is permanently change my default settings to include the above, so that they no longer are simply temporary adjustments. Hmmm. Call IBM! Anna.
Anna, what a brilliant metaphor - yes, changing the default settings is exactly what it's like (except that, since you're not a machine, there's also a case for changing them gradually, one at a time...)!
Lorianne, wow! Ok, I always get fixated on how early you get up. What I really need to know is what time you go to bed. For me this would need to be by about 9.30 pm, or I won't have had enough sleep if I get up at 5 - can do it as a one-off, but not regularly. And if I go to bed at 9.30 there's insufficient time for winding down, or for any extra work beyond the day job(since I get home from that between 7 and 7.30). I'm playing with this at the moment, trying to find how far I can push my 'default settings' without just creating a problem somewhere else in the system.
Jean, yes, that's a problem with meditation -- you come up against exactly what's going on in your life & what it costs.
I dunno, I've always been an extreme morning-person, and I don't think there's any particular virtue or advantage to it. You can't add hours to the day by getting up earlier :-)
Beth, what a torturous day you described yesterday! Especially the icy hill, and waiting 5 hours between tests, and not eating for 48 hours. Spiritual discipline, well... {{{big hugs}}} Get lots of rest today, and eat well!
My mediation's been all over, morning, afternoon, now I'm meditating just before bed, which I've never done before, and am finding it condusive to deep and refreshing sleep. All the issues I struggle with are there, but I perhaps am going to a deeper depth with them, and somehow they seem lightened, perhaps on the way to resolution, through the dreaming of the night. I'm waking with less sleep feeling more energized. Will it last, does anything... :grins an impermanent grin:
Welcome back Anna! Your metaphor was terrific and all too apt!
Thanks to everyone again. I'm feeling much better today; less in the grip of irrational fear and feelign traumatized, more positive and more in control. Sleep is a big help, and so is food!
Lorianne - great work on those bows - I am impressed!
Hugs to everyone, but especially Leslee... Yes, sitting & crying counts, and I say that from experience. I've sat entire *days* of retreat with a very clean *face*, I've been crying so.
Jean, keep in mind that I lived in a Zen Center for 2 1/2 years, so that discipline killed my inner night owl! Last night I went to bed around 10...and I can't see myself getting up at 5 am *every* day, just on Tuesdays & Thursdays when I teach at 8 am & thus have to be up anyway.
Great metaphor, Anna...although I find that I'm *perpetually* changing my default settings! I guess it's like *sharing* a computer (or a car!) with someone: you KNOW that every time you sit down, you have to switch back to *your* chosen settings. Once you get in the habit of making that conscious switch, it doesn't take long...but it's a necessary step: re-set, re-set, re-set, everyday a new re-set.
Somewhere I read about a student asking an old monk if getting up early for meditation had gotten any easier over time, and the monk answered, "Every morning I take a shower, and every morning, the water starts out cold."
Even if you've been meditating forever, you still don't *want* to get out of bed...it still takes time for the "water" to warm up. But with repetition, practice can became almost as automatic as showering: something you do every morning whether you "feel" like it or not.
Kind of like brushing teeth, I suppose. Which sometimes is something I truly enjoy, but most times is something I do just because it needs to be done. But it is such a part of my routine that I don't even think about it. Of course, it doesn't take 20 minutes, either. (But then, neither does my meditation, always.)
Lorianne, I appreciate your little commentaries here so much. Just helps to keep perspective.
Glad that the default metaphor struck a chord! I wonder often if I am my default setting - is that the "real me"? (I think of John Lennon's observation about life being "what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" - and it really hits home. Am I my default settings, doomed to just altering these settings temporarily (making "other plans") forever? Or can I make these altered settings permanent? i.e., they become my default life. And I become the person I want to be? And there's no more struggle?
And why are there two people in my mind (Default Girl and new settings Girl) and DG says, "Oh, let's meditate!" and NSG says, "No, let's absolutely NOT!"
Default settings definitely change. I had at one time a default setting of heading for a tavern when my life got stressful. I don't even have that impulse anymore. It's just gone. But it took years for that to happen. Meditation is certainly implicated in the change, though I certainly wouldn't know how to measure how deeply implicated.
To "be the person that I want to be" -- well, there are two ways to accomplish that -- (a) I can become someone else, or (b) I can want to be exactly what I am right now. Both of them are clearly impossible :-) But meditation in the Buddhist tradition is more about (b) than about (a).
The trouble with (a) is that it's *intrinsically* impossible. Because even if you became exactly the person you want to be right now -- that new person would want to be someone else. I guarantee it. (b), while empirically impossible -- that is, I've never known anyone who wanted to be exactly what he or she was -- is at least theoretically possible. It would be complete Enlightenment, I think. Or anyway, it would require it.
One of the most galling paradoxes of meditation is that while we all take it up because we want to become different people, we can only really become different people by surrendering the ambition to be different people.
Of course, since I have not myself succeeded in not wanting to be a different person, I'm just speculating here. I do know that for me meditation has done more to narrow the distance between who I am and who I want to be than anything else I've ever tried. It's done that by moving both things toward the center. It's more exciting, of course, to see myself becoming a little more like who I want to be. But I suspect the really important movement is the one on the other side.
Thanks Dale, I really appreciate your response. I think you're right about default settings being changeable but over a longish period of time. I do have hope about this.
I just spotted the duh mistake - it should read: "New Settings Girl says 'let's meditate!' and Default Girl says, 'No.'" Not the other way round. Anyway, less analysis and more action I think, so I am now off to meditate.
PS. I had to laugh at myself this morning thinking: "I am going to meditate today if it kills me" -nice approach, no?!
Day 20. Good morning, everbody! Well, the "morning-ness" is debatable since the sky is black and the half-moon is high above the street-corner. I love being up before daybreak, making a pot of coffee (yogi tea this morning) and waiting for the sun to rise. It's going to be a good day, cold and mostly clear.
Sat twenty minutes - a very long time! - while the tea brewed, listening to the first early-riser trams and the odd car going past. Concentrating was less difficult than later in the morning, when the fear of being interrupted by phone calls or doorbells circles around my thoughts; though not as easy as late in the evening (I've been sitting twice for extra credit :-)
Hugs and kind thoughts to all, especially Beth and Leslee, and a nudge to Anna's "inner neighbour".
20 Comments:
just been sitting and realise how pumped up one can get with loving kindness just as much as anything else so here is simply
breath for beth.
Good morning. Love to everyone. Beth, what a rotten day you had yesterday. I hope you're able to rest and eat and take care of yourself today, I have many qualms about our healthcare culture of endless 'tests' and then waiting for the results... is it really an unqualified good thing? I don't think so.
Sat this morning. Overwhelmingly busy and tired, and it certainly helps with bearing up under that, but also makes me more aware of how I feel, the toll it takes - which is probably a good thing.
OK, no blame, no self-flagellation - just repair and re-commitment to another day, as you all say. Been meditating here and there, five minutes, nothing substantial but I have remained faithful to my commitment to run every morning (because the neighbour bangs on my frontdoor every morning at 0700!!!) Now, all I need is to get my inner neighbour to bang on my inner door at 0630 and MEDITATE. Will sit today.
Anna.
Good morning, all. Today's another teaching day, so I got up at 5:15 and did 54 bows FIRST THING, then I sat for 20 minutes.
Here's hoping this is a habit that sticks this semester! ;-)
Hooray to Anna for re-commitment! Every "oops, come back" is a moment of awakening, you know.
Thanks, Lorianne, I really needed that boost! As I walked over the park to get more paper for my printer, I was thinking of how I'm like a pc: I have a default setting that I keep returning to: A default setting that is set to not meditating, not running, not learning to play the piano, not doing a home yoga practice, not writing the diss, etc etc. So every time I DO do any of this list, it seems like an add-on; like the pc when I temporarily change the settings - so running would be like changing the font, meditating like changing the line spacing etc etc. And when I get up in the morning, I'm back on default. So what I need to do is permanently change my default settings to include the above, so that they no longer are simply temporary adjustments. Hmmm. Call IBM!
Anna.
Anna, what a brilliant metaphor - yes, changing the default settings is exactly what it's like (except that, since you're not a machine, there's also a case for changing them gradually, one at a time...)!
Lorianne, wow! Ok, I always get fixated on how early you get up. What I really need to know is what time you go to bed. For me this would need to be by about 9.30 pm, or I won't have had enough sleep if I get up at 5 - can do it as a one-off, but not regularly. And if I go to bed at 9.30 there's insufficient time for winding down, or for any extra work beyond the day job(since I get home from that between 7 and 7.30). I'm playing with this at the moment, trying to find how far I can push my 'default settings' without just creating a problem somewhere else in the system.
Go, Anna!
Jean, yes, that's a problem with meditation -- you come up against exactly what's going on in your life & what it costs.
I dunno, I've always been an extreme morning-person, and I don't think there's any particular virtue or advantage to it. You can't add hours to the day by getting up earlier :-)
Does it count if you sit and cry for the whole session? Having a bad couple of days. I'm sure it'll pass. I had a good yoga class Tuesday night.
Beth, what a torturous day you described yesterday! Especially the icy hill, and waiting 5 hours between tests, and not eating for 48 hours. Spiritual discipline, well... {{{big hugs}}} Get lots of rest today, and eat well!
My mediation's been all over, morning, afternoon, now I'm meditating just before bed, which I've never done before, and am finding it condusive to deep and refreshing sleep. All the issues I struggle with are there, but I perhaps am going to a deeper depth with them, and somehow they seem lightened, perhaps on the way to resolution, through the dreaming of the night. I'm waking with less sleep feeling more energized. Will it last, does anything... :grins an impermanent grin:
{{Leslee}} I hope today is a better one for you.
Welcome back Anna! Your metaphor was terrific and all too apt!
Thanks to everyone again. I'm feeling much better today; less in the grip of irrational fear and feelign traumatized, more positive and more in control. Sleep is a big help, and so is food!
Lorianne - great work on those bows - I am impressed!
((Beth))
((Leslee))
((Jean))
oh heck.
(((((everybody)))))
much love
((Leslee))
((Beth))
((Jean))
Hugs to everyone, but especially Leslee... Yes, sitting & crying counts, and I say that from experience. I've sat entire *days* of retreat with a very clean *face*, I've been crying so.
Jean, keep in mind that I lived in a Zen Center for 2 1/2 years, so that discipline killed my inner night owl! Last night I went to bed around 10...and I can't see myself getting up at 5 am *every* day, just on Tuesdays & Thursdays when I teach at 8 am & thus have to be up anyway.
Great metaphor, Anna...although I find that I'm *perpetually* changing my default settings! I guess it's like *sharing* a computer (or a car!) with someone: you KNOW that every time you sit down, you have to switch back to *your* chosen settings. Once you get in the habit of making that conscious switch, it doesn't take long...but it's a necessary step: re-set, re-set, re-set, everyday a new re-set.
Somewhere I read about a student asking an old monk if getting up early for meditation had gotten any easier over time, and the monk answered, "Every morning I take a shower, and every morning, the water starts out cold."
Even if you've been meditating forever, you still don't *want* to get out of bed...it still takes time for the "water" to warm up. But with repetition, practice can became almost as automatic as showering: something you do every morning whether you "feel" like it or not.
Kind of like brushing teeth, I suppose. Which sometimes is something I truly enjoy, but most times is something I do just because it needs to be done. But it is such a part of my routine that I don't even think about it. Of course, it doesn't take 20 minutes, either. (But then, neither does my meditation, always.)
Lorianne, I appreciate your little commentaries here so much. Just helps to keep perspective.
morning? evening? lunch time? on the bus?
when do you meditate? I like what E.B.White said:
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to save the world and a desire to savor the world. That makes it hard to plan the day."
Glad that the default metaphor struck a chord! I wonder often if I am my default setting - is that the "real me"? (I think of John Lennon's observation about life being "what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" - and it really hits home. Am I my default settings, doomed to just altering these settings temporarily (making "other plans") forever? Or can I make these altered settings permanent? i.e., they become my default life. And I become the person I want to be? And there's no more struggle?
And why are there two people in my mind (Default Girl and new settings Girl) and DG says, "Oh, let's meditate!" and NSG says, "No, let's absolutely NOT!"
Yikes.
Default settings definitely change. I had at one time a default setting of heading for a tavern when my life got stressful. I don't even have that impulse anymore. It's just gone. But it took years for that to happen. Meditation is certainly implicated in the change, though I certainly wouldn't know how to measure how deeply implicated.
To "be the person that I want to be" -- well, there are two ways to accomplish that -- (a) I can become someone else, or (b) I can want to be exactly what I am right now. Both of them are clearly impossible :-) But meditation in the Buddhist tradition is more about (b) than about (a).
The trouble with (a) is that it's *intrinsically* impossible. Because even if you became exactly the person you want to be right now -- that new person would want to be someone else. I guarantee it. (b), while empirically impossible -- that is, I've never known anyone who wanted to be exactly what he or she was -- is at least theoretically possible. It would be complete Enlightenment, I think. Or anyway, it would require it.
One of the most galling paradoxes of meditation is that while we all take it up because we want to become different people, we can only really become different people by surrendering the ambition to be different people.
Of course, since I have not myself succeeded in not wanting to be a different person, I'm just speculating here. I do know that for me meditation has done more to narrow the distance between who I am and who I want to be than anything else I've ever tried. It's done that by moving both things toward the center. It's more exciting, of course, to see myself becoming a little more like who I want to be. But I suspect the really important movement is the one on the other side.
Thanks Dale, I really appreciate your response. I think you're right about default settings being changeable but over a longish period of time. I do have hope about this.
I just spotted the duh mistake - it should read: "New Settings Girl says 'let's meditate!' and Default Girl says, 'No.'" Not the other way round. Anyway, less analysis and more action I think, so I am now off to meditate.
PS. I had to laugh at myself this morning thinking: "I am going to meditate today if it kills me" -nice approach, no?!
Day 20. Good morning, everbody! Well, the "morning-ness" is debatable since the sky is black and the half-moon is high above the street-corner. I love being up before daybreak, making a pot of coffee (yogi tea this morning) and waiting for the sun to rise. It's going to be a good day, cold and mostly clear.
Sat twenty minutes - a very long time! - while the tea brewed, listening to the first early-riser trams and the odd car going past. Concentrating was less difficult than later in the morning, when the fear of being interrupted by phone calls or doorbells circles around my thoughts; though not as easy as late in the evening (I've been sitting twice for extra credit :-)
Hugs and kind thoughts to all, especially Beth and Leslee, and a nudge to Anna's "inner neighbour".
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