beth, I'm glad you are home and hope that life is gentle on you whilst you recover your health and energies.
I think I have found a way of meditating that is going to work for me. Phew. I've tried various less structured things for a while, but Brenda's invitation to join with you here was the kick-up-the-bum I needed to really give some time and energy to this.
I have picked a spot for the next week and the next hundred days. That spot is currently on the patio, sitting on the floor, leaning against the windows. It was selected for it's proximity to my dog, who's breathing practice is superb, and so I will translate that place to anywhere outside that my dog is too - allowing for moments on walks and on holiday too.
I did some research (google) and found that awareness meditation is recommended for people recovering from addiction (that's me then). Sounds about right - I was mostly numb til fairly recently.
I set my watch for five minutes - and then began with the outside - my environment. Sounds and textures and distance and proximity - from the plane going overhead, the sky, the clouds, the center of the earth. Then I slowly moved to my physical being. Comfort, discomfort. Just naming things, noticing. Relaxing where I could. Then eventually in to 'me', thoughts, feelings, again just noticing and naming, not trying to fix (for once).
When my watch beeped I slowly came back out the other way. Began with my breathing, my body, then redrew the world around me stretching outward, floor, birds, trees ... until I had imagined the sun and the stars and the middle of the earth, bringing back the world. When I opened my eyes I was ready. I just felt peaceful and happy to be back. This is important for me because usually any deeper thought or feeling is concluded by a huge shock when I return to the world I have left.
Thanks for being here and encouraging this. Now I just need to keep it up!
Super mega-hugs to Beth: oh, sister, if only there were a way to make this easier! Don't fret about not doing formal meditation during this period: you've been practicing a different sort of in-the-moment practice in which grief & tears are the focus, so allow yourself the space to be there. I hope you're able to get some rest this week: it sounds like you both need & deserve it.
Welcome, Stray: it's good to "meet" you! I'm 100% serious about "driving meditation": my parents & boyfriend live in Ohio, so I drive there (700 miles from my home here in New Hampshire) several times a year. If you define "meditation" as any practice which makes you mindfully aware of the present moment (which is my Zen understanding of the word), why WOULDN'T driving qualify?
I can understand your remarks about the "baggage" you carry from your Baptist upbringing: I was raised Catholic & then "born again" in college, so I bring lots of fancy baggage to my Zen practice. :-) This weekend, though, it was interesting to meet folks who are deeply committed to their faith tradition without being judgmental about other paths, so it IS possible to have inter-faith understanding.
It's good to know I'm not the only person wheeling round a suitcase with a fish sticker on it ...
I'm trying to get my luggage in that department down to a carry-on.
Yes, it's amazing that people are so open to accepting and co-existing with others who have a different experience of spiritual living. Or, perhaps it is amazing that the other people aren't. In a weekend where the middle east developments have spun my head it was really helpful to know you were seeing, hearing and feeling something altogether different.
Great drive! Wow, I don't think from here you could drive 700 miles away without getting wet. Thanks for the encouragement :)
oh beth beth lovely beth. heartfelt permission foryouto be exactly where you are. sounds like the sadness is enough. i thinkthis must be one of the times when you can ride on your practice.
wecome stray. your practice sounds perfection.
lorraine, wish i wasnt in madrid airport. would love to read ñmore about your conference.
i am struggling this week with having been a bad buddhist. i am unable to do the kissy wissy lovey dovey thing expected of me in a french orchestra with my outrageous colleague or to show respect i do not feel. hence my presence has been destructive to the group, however subtle . i have been practicing when i can, and coming to some understanding of how unnecessary my feelings are but i haven3t done very well overcoñ ming them in themoment and for me simply hiding them is not possible. at least i can begin to see the pattern even if i cant change it?
Thanks for the good wishes, all of you. I feel better today and expect tat to continue - and the hibiscus "tree" on my terrace is blooming its heart out during these hot summer days - how can you not smile widely at that? Stray, welcome!! I hope we can all support you in your practice, whcih sounds like it's beginning very well indeed.
Ruth, there's no such thing as a bad Buddhist, so kindly stop beating yourself up, please. :-) If meditation practice is about being Aware of the Present Moment, you're doing that by acknowledging the feelings you're currently having. Your job isn't to transform yourself into a Happy Buddha: that's called repression. Your job is to allow yourself to be Right Now Buddha even if Right Now Buddha is very angry. (Yes, you can be an Angry Buddha: it's allowed!) :-)
Stray, I chuckled at the image of a suitcase with a Jesus fish on it: if only we all could all be equally whimsical about our karma. In Zen there's a saying: "Your biggest karma is your greatest dharma." That means that even your baggage can be a resource in meditation: the more baggage you have, the greater "ooomph" you fueling your practice.
So having baggage is fine, being angry is fine, and even being fucked up is fine. It's all about being gently present with your baggage, anger, or fucked-upness rather than trying to deny, escape, or repress it.
bless you lorraine, tho 'bad buddhist' was meant tongue in cheek. All your acceptance helps me as I have been feeling a sense of failure over this. Funnily enough my tactic in the beginning to deal with someone whose main motivation seems to push people out of their jobs and be as cinematic as possible in the quietest most spiritual of music was to remain neutral. However, she insisted on a response from me -shoving her face in mine until I said she was marvellous, asking to kiss me in (self) congratulation afetr the concert she had 'led' _ and in the end I could not give her a lie, so I pushed her away. It has been very hard facing someone who represents everything I strive not to be, but I guess the fact that i still have such strong feelings about those things means i'm not quite there yet!
Do remember that what you're supposed to do, as a Good Buddhist, is hold the aspiration that these people may find happiness and be relieved of their suffering. Don't let that get mixed up with the kissy-kissy expectations of a French orchestra. You don't have to like these people or want to spend time with them or respect them as musicians. Trying to do those things would be the spiritual equivalent of going swimming right after a heavy meal. It's really not a good idea.
All you have to do is, at some level, wish them well, or at least wish you could wish them well. The only thing you're not allowed to do, as a Good Buddhist, is ratify your wish to see them dead in a ditch, and enshrine it in your mind as a virtuous wish. But there's no point in trying to make yourself like them when you don't.
There are practices in which you might do such a thing, but they're *practices*, things you do in a nice safe place where these people can't actually hurt you, after carefully building up a context of aspirations and loving-kindness. If you just go about trying to generate lovey-dovey feelings on the fly for people who are messing up music you love, you're likely to find yourself in the deep end with cramps.
Beth - I'm not commenting much but you are in my thoughts as I go about my day ...
Ruth ...in the same vein as Dale and Lorianne - I struggle to see how you could be destructive to the group because you were unable to lie about your feelings ...holding your place and your truth in a pressured situation ...how can that be destructive? (well I can think of some ways but not as you describe!)
10 Comments:
Dale, thanks for the welcome yesterday!
beth, I'm glad you are home and hope that life is gentle on you whilst you recover your health and energies.
I think I have found a way of meditating that is going to work for me. Phew. I've tried various less structured things for a while, but Brenda's invitation to join with you here was the kick-up-the-bum I needed to really give some time and energy to this.
I have picked a spot for the next week and the next hundred days. That spot is currently on the patio, sitting on the floor, leaning against the windows. It was selected for it's proximity to my dog, who's breathing practice is superb, and so I will translate that place to anywhere outside that my dog is too - allowing for moments on walks and on holiday too.
I did some research (google) and found that awareness meditation is recommended for people recovering from addiction (that's me then). Sounds about right - I was mostly numb til fairly recently.
I set my watch for five minutes - and then began with the outside - my environment. Sounds and textures and distance and proximity - from the plane going overhead, the sky, the clouds, the center of the earth. Then I slowly moved to my physical being. Comfort, discomfort. Just naming things, noticing. Relaxing where I could. Then eventually in to 'me', thoughts, feelings, again just noticing and naming, not trying to fix (for once).
When my watch beeped I slowly came back out the other way. Began with my breathing, my body, then redrew the world around me stretching outward, floor, birds, trees ... until I had imagined the sun and the stars and the middle of the earth, bringing back the world. When I opened my eyes I was ready.
I just felt peaceful and happy to be back. This is important for me because usually any deeper thought or feeling is concluded by a huge shock when I return to the world I have left.
Thanks for being here and encouraging this. Now I just need to keep it up!
xx
Super mega-hugs to Beth: oh, sister, if only there were a way to make this easier! Don't fret about not doing formal meditation during this period: you've been practicing a different sort of in-the-moment practice in which grief & tears are the focus, so allow yourself the space to be there. I hope you're able to get some rest this week: it sounds like you both need & deserve it.
Welcome, Stray: it's good to "meet" you! I'm 100% serious about "driving meditation": my parents & boyfriend live in Ohio, so I drive there (700 miles from my home here in New Hampshire) several times a year. If you define "meditation" as any practice which makes you mindfully aware of the present moment (which is my Zen understanding of the word), why WOULDN'T driving qualify?
I can understand your remarks about the "baggage" you carry from your Baptist upbringing: I was raised Catholic & then "born again" in college, so I bring lots of fancy baggage to my Zen practice. :-) This weekend, though, it was interesting to meet folks who are deeply committed to their faith tradition without being judgmental about other paths, so it IS possible to have inter-faith understanding.
PS: Stray, it looks like you were on commenting when I was! Your present practice & practice space sound wonderful, so best wishes for what unfolds.
Thanks Lorianne :)
It's good to know I'm not the only person wheeling round a suitcase with a fish sticker on it ...
I'm trying to get my luggage in that department down to a carry-on.
Yes, it's amazing that people are so open to accepting and co-existing with others who have a different experience of spiritual living. Or, perhaps it is amazing that the other people aren't. In a weekend where the middle east developments have spun my head it was really helpful to know you were seeing, hearing and feeling something altogether different.
Great drive! Wow, I don't think from here you could drive 700 miles away without getting wet. Thanks for the encouragement :)
oh beth beth lovely beth. heartfelt permission foryouto be exactly where you are. sounds like the sadness is enough. i thinkthis must be one of the times when you can ride on your practice.
wecome stray. your practice sounds perfection.
lorraine, wish i wasnt in madrid airport. would love to read ñmore about your conference.
i am struggling this week with having been a bad buddhist. i am unable to do the kissy wissy lovey dovey thing expected of me in a french orchestra with my outrageous colleague or to show respect i do not feel. hence my presence has been destructive to the group, however subtle . i have been practicing when i can, and coming to some understanding of how unnecessary my feelings are but i haven3t done very well overcoñ ming them in themoment and for me simply hiding them is not possible. at least i can begin to see the pattern even if i cant change it?
Thanks for the good wishes, all of you. I feel better today and expect tat to continue - and the hibiscus "tree" on my terrace is blooming its heart out during these hot summer days - how can you not smile widely at that? Stray, welcome!! I hope we can all support you in your practice, whcih sounds like it's beginning very well indeed.
Ruth, there's no such thing as a bad Buddhist, so kindly stop beating yourself up, please. :-) If meditation practice is about being Aware of the Present Moment, you're doing that by acknowledging the feelings you're currently having. Your job isn't to transform yourself into a Happy Buddha: that's called repression. Your job is to allow yourself to be Right Now Buddha even if Right Now Buddha is very angry. (Yes, you can be an Angry Buddha: it's allowed!) :-)
Stray, I chuckled at the image of a suitcase with a Jesus fish on it: if only we all could all be equally whimsical about our karma. In Zen there's a saying: "Your biggest karma is your greatest dharma." That means that even your baggage can be a resource in meditation: the more baggage you have, the greater "ooomph" you fueling your practice.
So having baggage is fine, being angry is fine, and even being fucked up is fine. It's all about being gently present with your baggage, anger, or fucked-upness rather than trying to deny, escape, or repress it.
bless you lorraine, tho 'bad buddhist' was meant tongue in cheek. All your acceptance helps me as I have been feeling a sense of failure over this. Funnily enough my tactic in the beginning to deal with someone whose main motivation seems to push people out of their jobs and be as cinematic as possible in the quietest most spiritual of music was to remain neutral. However, she insisted on a response from me -shoving her face in mine until I said she was marvellous, asking to kiss me in (self) congratulation afetr the concert she had 'led' _ and in the end I could not give her a lie, so I pushed her away. It has been very hard facing someone who represents everything I strive not to be, but I guess the fact that i still have such strong feelings about those things means i'm not quite there yet!
Wot Lorianne said, Ruth :-)
Do remember that what you're supposed to do, as a Good Buddhist, is hold the aspiration that these people may find happiness and be relieved of their suffering. Don't let that get mixed up with the kissy-kissy expectations of a French orchestra. You don't have to like these people or want to spend time with them or respect them as musicians. Trying to do those things would be the spiritual equivalent of going swimming right after a heavy meal. It's really not a good idea.
All you have to do is, at some level, wish them well, or at least wish you could wish them well. The only thing you're not allowed to do, as a Good Buddhist, is ratify your wish to see them dead in a ditch, and enshrine it in your mind as a virtuous wish. But there's no point in trying to make yourself like them when you don't.
There are practices in which you might do such a thing, but they're *practices*, things you do in a nice safe place where these people can't actually hurt you, after carefully building up a context of aspirations and loving-kindness. If you just go about trying to generate lovey-dovey feelings on the fly for people who are messing up music you love, you're likely to find yourself in the deep end with cramps.
Stray, welcome!
Beth - I'm not commenting much but you are in my thoughts as I go about my day ...
Ruth ...in the same vein as Dale and Lorianne - I struggle to see how you could be destructive to the group because you were unable to lie about your feelings ...holding your place and your truth in a pressured situation ...how can that be destructive? (well I can think of some ways but not as you describe!)
love to all ...
Post a Comment
<< Home