So, I'm doing this short course - 5 Monday evenings - with a Buddhist meditation teacher on deepening and energising your meditation practice. Yesterday was week 3. The emphasis has been on close and detailed attention during meditation to the body (week one), the arising of pleasant and unpleasant feelings, initially in the body (week two), and the inner narratives we spin out of those feelings(week three). With daily exercises set to pay attention to these in sitting meditation, in a short walking meditation and in a short period of some routine daily activity like taking a shower or eating breakfast.
These two weeks have been a really difficult time for me to meditate, very distracted and scattered. The mood where I usually give up and lose my regular practice. So I'm pleased that I haven't done that.
When I actually can manage briefly to be mindful, I'm finding, underneath the distraction, shocking feelings of sharp distress and hopelessness, trembling jaw and lumps in my throat and stomach. Not nice at all. The kind of thing, in fact, that I've watched so many others meet in meditation, while it's nearly always been a refuge of calm and peace for me. Even when I've gone on retreat during times of stress and unhappiness, I've always (rather to my surprise) fallen quickly into a place of peace and spaciousness, with all the bad feelings dropping away.
Seems like now it's my turn to go through what I've heard so much about. Probably inevitable sooner or later. I certainly believe the only way through bad stuff is through it, not by shutting down.
If I can keep meditating through this, I think it will be a milestone, after several years of alternating regular practice and losing it for months at a time.
I like the people I've been doing this class, and the workshop on Saturday, with. But I don't think I would ever join the FWBO, and don't seem to be any nearer to finding a sangha. Just have be with that and keep searching, stay open, I guess.
Jean, it sounds like this course you're taking is pushing you deeper into your practice than you've ever been, so it's natural that you're encountering some yucky stuff. I've sometimes heard meditation compared to composting: on the top is the fresh-smelling stuff, but just under the surface is some stuff that really reeks. Underneath all of that, though, is the rich, fertile soil that is the result of all that rotting...but you have to face some nasty layers to get there.
I think lots of people come to meditation thinking it's all about relaxation, so they stop when they start going deeper into the scary stuff. I suppose therapy is the same way, as is exercise: at first, it feels great, but if you're really committed to progress, you have to visit some unpleasant places.
So bravo for persevering. As I mentioned in a comment sometime (?) last week, this "scattered" feeling isn't something new: it's something we all carry around with us, but most folks never "go" there. It's as if we're *all* active volcanoes with this nasty psychological "lava" boiling under the surface...and then we act surprised when someone suddenly blows their stack!
Meditation is about visiting and observing those active pockets of hot, boiling karma so they don't bubble up unexpected. Relaxation doesn't come from *ignoring* our own karmic volcano: it comes from compassionately observing & understanding it.
I am doing my kilometre in the pool every day though and really taking the opportunity to concentrate on the rhythm, the sky, the breath...the emptiness; It's a refuge as times are challenging and I am dealing with alot of J's anger. Slowly learning to step back from it. Big stuff here. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with another's rage?
"Step back from it" sounds good to me, Ruth. And hard. The teacher at my workshop last Saturday quoted Sharon Salzberg about making a 'big container' around painful stuff. Her wonderful image: you can't make a pinch of salt less salty, but you can become a lake, not a cup of water, and then its effect is very different. A task for a lifetime, obviously, but a beautiful aspiration.
Yep, "step back from it" is all you really can do. If we continue with the volcano analogy, J's hot boiling karma is no different from the psychic baggage/junk/issues *any* of us grapple with: that's where compassion comes from. When I realize that someone else's anger isn't intrinsically different from the psychic crap *I* lug around, I give myself the ability to love that person: they're struggling to deal with their karmic magma just as I'm struggling to deal with mine.
But, that doesn't give someone permission to "erupt" on other folks...and there's nothing even a compassionate bystander can do to stop a volcano. So just as you'd steer clear from a smoking mountain, you have to recognize those situations when you can't change someone else's behavior & attitudes. At a certain level, we each have our own karmic crap to deal with, and no one else can deal with it for us.
thanks lorraine and jean. helpful observations and nice salty quotes.
where, I wonder, does the point come of saying "this is unacceptable"? (which i said thismorning) 'this thing' - that makes me become a scared bird - could destroy us. and where do we draw the line? It is so important for me not to cower and take it all on but to say "That's your stuff. I'm not being held responsible for this degree of anger. Deal with it." the trick, as you say, Lorraine, is to say, and see it with compassion. So hard when you are hurt and diminished. much to mull on. thank you.
by the way having a lovely evening together so it's just ongoing stuff!
- Big Old Rage which I am starting to see as less about me but rather just Big Old Rage coming from a dad with Big Old Rage...
I guess this is where I feel with meditation and loving kindness we do have the power to change these old patterns. I can' do it for him. i can only do it for me.
So much here today from everyone! Thanks. I feel like I am relying on my breathing and being mindful so much these days that it is nearly constant - but I'm not "practicing". I want to get back to a regular time and practice becasue as helpful as the meditation is for dealign with stress when it comes up, you do need to keep refillign the well, I think. Lorianne, thanks for all the wisdom and insight you shared today.
Ruth - it's so hard to deal with someone else's anger. Step away, get in touch with your own calm core - but at times, I think we must say, "this is unacceptable." I'm sorry. I know how hard this can be. I try to go as deep as possible into compassion for the person who is caught in their own anger (which is often masking fear), but it's often close to impossible.
11 Comments:
So, I'm doing this short course - 5 Monday evenings - with a Buddhist meditation teacher on deepening and energising your meditation practice. Yesterday was week 3. The emphasis has been on close and detailed attention during meditation to the body (week one), the arising of pleasant and unpleasant feelings, initially in the body (week two), and the inner narratives we spin out of those feelings(week three). With daily exercises set to pay attention to these in sitting meditation, in a short walking meditation and in a short period of some routine daily activity like taking a shower or eating breakfast.
These two weeks have been a really difficult time for me to meditate, very distracted and scattered. The mood where I usually give up and lose my regular practice. So I'm pleased that I haven't done that.
When I actually can manage briefly to be mindful, I'm finding, underneath the distraction, shocking feelings of sharp distress and hopelessness, trembling jaw and lumps in my throat and stomach. Not nice at all. The kind of thing, in fact, that I've watched so many others meet in meditation, while it's nearly always been a refuge of calm and peace for me. Even when I've gone on retreat during times of stress and unhappiness, I've always (rather to my surprise) fallen quickly into a place of peace and spaciousness, with all the bad feelings dropping away.
Seems like now it's my turn to go through what I've heard so much about. Probably inevitable sooner or later. I certainly believe the only way through bad stuff is through it, not by shutting down.
If I can keep meditating through this, I think it will be a milestone, after several years of alternating regular practice and losing it for months at a time.
I like the people I've been doing this class, and the workshop on Saturday, with. But I don't think I would ever join the FWBO, and don't seem to be any nearer to finding a sangha. Just have be with that and keep searching, stay open, I guess.
Hi everyone. Just to say I'm back. I will be catching up on the last few days comments.
Jean: I understand! I meditated for 20 minutes this morning but was all over the place .... I had to keep telling myself that it was OK.
Jean, it sounds like this course you're taking is pushing you deeper into your practice than you've ever been, so it's natural that you're encountering some yucky stuff. I've sometimes heard meditation compared to composting: on the top is the fresh-smelling stuff, but just under the surface is some stuff that really reeks. Underneath all of that, though, is the rich, fertile soil that is the result of all that rotting...but you have to face some nasty layers to get there.
I think lots of people come to meditation thinking it's all about relaxation, so they stop when they start going deeper into the scary stuff. I suppose therapy is the same way, as is exercise: at first, it feels great, but if you're really committed to progress, you have to visit some unpleasant places.
So bravo for persevering. As I mentioned in a comment sometime (?) last week, this "scattered" feeling isn't something new: it's something we all carry around with us, but most folks never "go" there. It's as if we're *all* active volcanoes with this nasty psychological "lava" boiling under the surface...and then we act surprised when someone suddenly blows their stack!
Meditation is about visiting and observing those active pockets of hot, boiling karma so they don't bubble up unexpected. Relaxation doesn't come from *ignoring* our own karmic volcano: it comes from compassionately observing & understanding it.
Lorianne, I couldn't agree more; boiling karma: yup!
brava jean and lovely words lorraine!
you guys are carrying me through.
I am doing my kilometre in the pool every day though and really taking the opportunity to concentrate on the rhythm, the sky, the breath...the emptiness; It's a refuge as times are challenging and I am dealing with alot of J's anger. Slowly learning to step back from it. Big stuff here. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with another's rage?
"Step back from it" sounds good to me, Ruth. And hard. The teacher at my workshop last Saturday quoted Sharon Salzberg about making a 'big container' around painful stuff. Her wonderful image: you can't make a pinch of salt less salty, but you can become a lake, not a cup of water, and then its effect is very different. A task for a lifetime, obviously, but a beautiful aspiration.
Yep, "step back from it" is all you really can do. If we continue with the volcano analogy, J's hot boiling karma is no different from the psychic baggage/junk/issues *any* of us grapple with: that's where compassion comes from. When I realize that someone else's anger isn't intrinsically different from the psychic crap *I* lug around, I give myself the ability to love that person: they're struggling to deal with their karmic magma just as I'm struggling to deal with mine.
But, that doesn't give someone permission to "erupt" on other folks...and there's nothing even a compassionate bystander can do to stop a volcano. So just as you'd steer clear from a smoking mountain, you have to recognize those situations when you can't change someone else's behavior & attitudes. At a certain level, we each have our own karmic crap to deal with, and no one else can deal with it for us.
thanks lorraine and jean. helpful observations and nice salty quotes.
where, I wonder, does the point come of saying "this is unacceptable"? (which i said thismorning) 'this thing' - that makes me become a scared bird - could destroy us. and where do we draw the line? It is so important for me not to cower and take it all on but to say "That's your stuff. I'm not being held responsible for this degree of anger. Deal with it." the trick, as you say, Lorraine, is to say, and see it with compassion. So hard when you are hurt and diminished. much to mull on. thank you.
by the way having a lovely evening together so it's just ongoing stuff!
- Big Old Rage which I am starting to see as less about me but rather just Big Old Rage coming from a dad with Big Old Rage...
I guess this is where I feel with meditation and loving kindness we do have the power to change these old patterns. I can' do it for him. i can only do it for me.
ps look at todays painting to see how J gets from rage to calm....I do it with music. What do other people do?
So much here today from everyone! Thanks. I feel like I am relying on my breathing and being mindful so much these days that it is nearly constant - but I'm not "practicing". I want to get back to a regular time and practice becasue as helpful as the meditation is for dealign with stress when it comes up, you do need to keep refillign the well, I think. Lorianne, thanks for all the wisdom and insight you shared today.
Ruth - it's so hard to deal with someone else's anger. Step away, get in touch with your own calm core - but at times, I think we must say, "this is unacceptable." I'm sorry. I know how hard this can be. I try to go as deep as possible into compassion for the person who is caught in their own anger (which is often masking fear), but it's often close to impossible.
Ruth, wonderful advice here, which I agree with and am learning from. My .02cents worth:
Go right up to him, look him straight in the eye, and say with firm assurance, "I am your wife, don't talk to me like that."
Then turn around and leave the room, or scene, wherever it may be.
When it happens again, again the close eye contact, again touching the deep connection.
It's worked for me in a number of situations, but not with my ex because that ended before I learnt to stand my ground, to be firm.
The core is love, and sometimes this devotion and loyalty is forgotten.
When you begin to see that the argument is really going nowhere, there are positive ways to step out of it.
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