There have been so many profound comments whilst I have been absent these past few days .. thank you all.
Beth. Thank you for sharing with us here. So very beautiful. I don't have the words to respond but it touched me deeply.
A day or two after my mother's death I retraced the last walk in the woods she and I had taken three months previously in October on her birthday. I was in London when she died at night very suddenly in her sleep after a long illness. And I had such a sense of her presence on the walk .....
I need to recommit. I have had a period of some disappointment and heartache recently and have been avoiding being present with the breath and with the feelings. But avoiding doesn't help the healing, it delays it.
Beth more beautiful and inspiring words. What you say about preparation is so true, and I agree that you seem to live in a way that is preparing you to be present, which involves feeling the fear and acknowledging it. jean what you describe seems to be exactly such a preparation to be present at all times.
I have resolved through all your openess, to begin to prepare myself. i realise one of the things I am MOST frightened of is of Julian not being prepared for his parents' death, and not being prepared for that. All I can do..;well all i can do is to keep sitting and then I stand a chance of being present.
Just want to add that posting the above encouraged me to sit for 20 minutes a little while ago. The first time for four days. It wasn't focussed at all but that's OK.
--and I want to thank Lorianne for her really perceptive comments yesterday.
mB, I hope sometime you will tell me more about your mother, maybe by e-mail?
Mary, thank you for that story about the walk with your mother. For some reason, those sorts of recollections are very helpful to me right now.
Ruth - one thing meditation has done for me is to help me identify more precisely the specific anxieties, as you seem to be doing now. It was a big help, because then I could sort of rehearse things in my mind, as well as naming them, and the power the fears had over me was lessened a little. I've tried to follow the anxieties out too...where do they lead? is there an unidentified, different fear of loss or failure at the end of it, something I didn't see? what's that about?
The scary thing is that I know that even though this particular hurdle is past, another bunch of obstacles/challenges will soon appear. That's just life, it seems. And I agree so much with Brenda's comment that embracing the beauty and fullness of life every day is the way to counteract its shortness and difficulties. So hard to do when we're caught in problems and anxieties! But meditation at least has the potential to open us back up...
Ruth, you've touched on something important for me. I find it hard to watch someone I love struggle. I'm contending with a little of that at the moment. I want so badly for it to work out... and I recognize in that my own desire to run "the show." Especially when the script is not unfolding the way I want. But it's not *my* show, I don't get to dictate the script, the other person has their own growing to do on their own path, and just maybe... being compassionate and accepting of their struggle, staying present with the situation, is my work. Thanks for your thoughts that led me to think this.
mb, bless you. I guess there is no perhaps about it. In the end, wanting someone else to run their lives according to our script (mourn their parents how we would like to mourn ours, look at destructive patterns when/how WE want them to look at them) only slows the journey in my experience. this is one of the most painful ongoing lessons I am learning and it is comforting to know I have company along the way.thank you.
thank you also beth for your insight, and for your company.
I sat today. Only 10 minutes but concentrated. All of you - jean, mary, lorraine, brenda, mb and beth - are inspiring me to realise that keeping on sitting is the best thing I can do.
wondering, wondering, wondering ... I have no fear, but I wonder what my own death will feel like. Anne, my dearest friend, said to us on the last day of her life, “it’s like waiting for the bus … when it comes along, you get on it”.
8 Comments:
There have been so many profound comments whilst I have been absent these past few days .. thank you all.
Beth. Thank you for sharing with us here. So very beautiful. I don't have the words to respond but it touched me deeply.
A day or two after my mother's death I retraced the last walk in the woods she and I had taken three months previously in October on her birthday. I was in London when she died at night very suddenly in her sleep after a long illness. And I had such a sense of her presence on the walk .....
I need to recommit. I have had a period of some disappointment and heartache recently and have been avoiding being present with the breath and with the feelings. But avoiding doesn't help the healing, it delays it.
Love to all.
Welcome back Mary!
Beth more beautiful and inspiring words. What you say about preparation is so true, and I agree that you seem to live in a way that is preparing you to be present, which involves feeling the fear and acknowledging it. jean what you describe seems to be exactly such a preparation to be present at all times.
I have resolved through all your openess, to begin to prepare myself. i realise one of the things I am MOST frightened of is of Julian not being prepared for his parents' death, and not being prepared for that. All I can do..;well all i can do is to keep sitting and then I stand a chance of being present.
Just want to add that posting the above encouraged me to sit for 20 minutes a little while ago. The first time for four days. It wasn't focussed at all but that's OK.
It's a relief to be back on track. Thank you all.
Ruth, we cross-posted. Thank you.
--and I want to thank Lorianne for her really perceptive comments yesterday.
mB, I hope sometime you will tell me more about your mother, maybe by e-mail?
Mary, thank you for that story about the walk with your mother. For some reason, those sorts of recollections are very helpful to me right now.
Ruth - one thing meditation has done for me is to help me identify more precisely the specific anxieties, as you seem to be doing now. It was a big help, because then I could sort of rehearse things in my mind, as well as naming them, and the power the fears had over me was lessened a little. I've tried to follow the anxieties out too...where do they lead? is there an unidentified, different fear of loss or failure at the end of it, something I didn't see? what's that about?
The scary thing is that I know that even though this particular hurdle is past, another bunch of obstacles/challenges will soon appear. That's just life, it seems. And I agree so much with Brenda's comment that embracing the beauty and fullness of life every day is the way to counteract its shortness and difficulties. So hard to do when we're caught in problems and anxieties! But meditation at least has the potential to open us back up...
(((Mary)))
Ruth, you've touched on something important for me. I find it hard to watch someone I love struggle. I'm contending with a little of that at the moment. I want so badly for it to work out... and I recognize in that my own desire to run "the show." Especially when the script is not unfolding the way I want. But it's not *my* show, I don't get to dictate the script, the other person has their own growing to do on their own path, and just maybe... being compassionate and accepting of their struggle, staying present with the situation, is my work. Thanks for your thoughts that led me to think this.
mb, bless you. I guess there is no perhaps about it. In the end, wanting someone else to run their lives according to our script (mourn their parents how we would like to mourn ours, look at destructive patterns when/how WE want them to look at them) only slows the journey in my experience. this is one of the most painful ongoing lessons I am learning and it is comforting to know I have company along the way.thank you.
thank you also beth for your insight, and for your company.
I sat today. Only 10 minutes but concentrated. All of you - jean, mary, lorraine, brenda, mb and beth - are inspiring me to realise that keeping on sitting is the best thing I can do.
wondering, wondering, wondering ... I have no fear, but I wonder what my own death will feel like. Anne, my dearest friend, said to us on the last day of her life, “it’s like waiting for the bus … when it comes along, you get on it”.
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