I sat 20 minutes almost-first thing this morning (after letting the dog out, toasting a bagel, & checking email). I'm learning that if I don't sit almost first thing, it's probably not happening!
John, I'm glad my return to the mat brought you here as well: hurray all around!
Mary, I'm sorry to hear the bad news about your cat. I've grown so accustomed to having my "fur-child" around, lord knows what I'll do when he (gulp) wears out his body.
Ruth, I won't comment *here* about the challenges of being in relationship with someone who's not practicing...but believe me, I know what that's like. As the T-shirt says, "Been there, done that!" All you can do, I think, is do your own practice regardless what's going on around you. It's difficult, but doable: like folks who learn to meditate in prison & persevere because they know *they* need it.
Yep. I was just thinking about this today, and reminding myself of what Lorianne says. We're each responsible for precisely one person - ourselves. My husband has never practiced and only started thinking about spiritual matters in the last two years - out of the 26 we've been together. It used to be a source of friction between us, then there was acceptance, both ways, then actual interest. Quite a while ago I gradually came to see this difference between us as a spiritual opportunity for me, a difficulty (if I choose to look at it that way) that must simply become part of my own practice - not to change him, but to deepen my own awareness, on many levels. I also believe that most people in relationships are who are together for reasons that we don't fully understand and may have a karmic component, and this helps create greater compassion. I *know* it can be very hard - but over time it can also be really good. I've seen a lot of change over the years, both in him and in our relationship, as well as a lot of softening and growth in myself, and a lot of that has to do with returning time and time again to meditation and prayer: i.e., concentrating on my own practice.
I was the partner who didn't practice for many years -- ten, maybe. It's best I'm sure not to hold any expectation that one's partner will start practicing, but they might. And they might end up very grateful, if they do.
But I know plenty of people at my sangha who have been practicing for decades with a partner who's uninterested (and one or two a bit hostile.) Pretty difficult. I forget sometimes how lucky I am.
hey thanks everyone. this is really interesting and heartening. First of all I don't think I would have married J if I hadn't sensed his spiritual side, albeit (partially and temporarily I believe)paralyzed by catholic guilt so having to emerge through music, art. I often say he is a much more natural Buddhist than me. yesterday I went shopping all day and came back to a calm and present man. he had been doing DIY - on all levels I think, so I agree and do actually trust he will find his way-whatever it is - whilst i find mine. Ironically I bought the books and cds recently because he said he wanted to try meditating and asked me where to start. needless to say he's never gone near them! But yes, my own practice is the only thing I can be responsible for. I just find it hard sometimes to maintain it day to day when there is alot of stress and agitation around me, but that is the practice. Phew. It's a relief to talk about this.
Back to sitting this morning. I am finding my worries and concerns very distracting, but it is a quiet comfort to respect the morning meditation time and by following its gentle discipline, to feel that I am taking positive action, however distracted I may feel. And I ALWAYS feel better afterwards.
Jean: I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this?
Lorianne: Thanks for your good wishes re the cat. His illness is a reminder of my own mortality as well. But it's been a total pleasure having him around all these years, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Ruth - anytime. I would have found it a lot easier to deal with, years ago, if I had had people to talk to - especially people who were supportive of my deep commitment to the relationship as well. Sometimes well-meaning friends tend to create greater tension by saying "how can you stand being with someone who is...xyz..." meaning, "so different from you" and "so different from us". In my case, and I suspect in yours, the differences in personality andtemperament are both an attraction and a challenge. They create tension, to be sure, but more than that, they've helped the relationship keep its vitality and continue to be interesting to both of us. At the same time, I'm pretty sure it's been helped by at least one of us being committed to a spiritual life and practice!!
Jean, I hope you're feeling better, too.
Mary, I hope this coming week brings you greater peace and freedom from your worries.
And all this cat talk is making me nostalgic. Ours died 4 years ago and because of all this travel it hasn't felt fair to get another - I look forward so much to the day when we can!
I sat again for 20 minutes this morning (Sunday). Although I've been away from the mat, returning to practice again has felt very natural, not like I've been *too* far away. I'm wondering if the daily writing I've been doing on the So-Called Novel is keeping my discipline muscle in shape, so it's not like starting my meditation practice over from scratch?
Ruth, I think what Beth said is very insightful. I think the usual wish is for both partners to have the SAME practice, and to do it with equal intensity. In reality, though, I think very few partners are so well matched...and that isn't necessarily bad! Beth's example goes to show that you can have a solid relationship without having identical spiritual practices...and Dale's example shows that people go in & out of practice over the long term.
I remember talking once to someone in my Zen school, and he said he wanted to marry someone who also practiced Zen so they could sit long retreats together. I asked if he wanted to have kids, and when he said yes, I pointed out that *one* of them would have to stay home to take care of the kids: something he hadn't thought about.
In my school at least, there often seems to be this sort of "yin/yang," if you will: one person who sits many retreats, and the other who tends the fort. Both practices are necessary, but they're certainly not the same. So having a partner who's practice is identical to yours isn't always (necessary) a great thing, especially if either/both of you are competitive and feel the need to "out practice" one another.
7 Comments:
I sat 20 minutes almost-first thing this morning (after letting the dog out, toasting a bagel, & checking email). I'm learning that if I don't sit almost first thing, it's probably not happening!
John, I'm glad my return to the mat brought you here as well: hurray all around!
Mary, I'm sorry to hear the bad news about your cat. I've grown so accustomed to having my "fur-child" around, lord knows what I'll do when he (gulp) wears out his body.
Ruth, I won't comment *here* about the challenges of being in relationship with someone who's not practicing...but believe me, I know what that's like. As the T-shirt says, "Been there, done that!" All you can do, I think, is do your own practice regardless what's going on around you. It's difficult, but doable: like folks who learn to meditate in prison & persevere because they know *they* need it.
Yep. I was just thinking about this today, and reminding myself of what Lorianne says. We're each responsible for precisely one person - ourselves. My husband has never practiced and only started thinking about spiritual matters in the last two years - out of the 26 we've been together. It used to be a source of friction between us, then there was acceptance, both ways, then actual interest. Quite a while ago I gradually came to see this difference between us as a spiritual opportunity for me, a difficulty (if I choose to look at it that way) that must simply become part of my own practice - not to change him, but to deepen my own awareness, on many levels. I also believe that most people in relationships are who are together for reasons that we don't fully understand and may have a karmic component, and this helps create greater compassion. I *know* it can be very hard - but over time it can also be really good. I've seen a lot of change over the years, both in him and in our relationship, as well as a lot of softening and growth in myself, and a lot of that has to do with returning time and time again to meditation and prayer: i.e., concentrating on my own practice.
I was the partner who didn't practice for many years -- ten, maybe. It's best I'm sure not to hold any expectation that one's partner will start practicing, but they might. And they might end up very grateful, if they do.
But I know plenty of people at my sangha who have been practicing for decades with a partner who's uninterested (and one or two a bit hostile.) Pretty difficult. I forget sometimes how lucky I am.
hey thanks everyone. this is really interesting and heartening. First of all I don't think I would have married J if I hadn't sensed his spiritual side, albeit (partially and temporarily I believe)paralyzed by catholic guilt so having to emerge through music, art. I often say he is a much more natural Buddhist than me. yesterday I went shopping all day and came back to a calm and present man. he had been doing DIY - on all levels I think, so I agree and do actually trust he will find his way-whatever it is - whilst i find mine. Ironically I bought the books and cds recently because he said he wanted to try meditating and asked me where to start. needless to say he's never gone near them! But yes, my own practice is the only thing I can be responsible for. I just find it hard sometimes to maintain it day to day when there is alot of stress and agitation around me, but that is the practice. Phew. It's a relief to talk about this.
Back to sitting this morning. I am finding my worries and concerns very distracting, but it is a quiet comfort to respect the morning meditation time and by following its gentle discipline, to feel that I am taking positive action, however distracted I may feel. And I ALWAYS feel better afterwards.
Jean: I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this?
Lorianne: Thanks for your good wishes re the cat. His illness is a reminder of my own mortality as well. But it's been a total pleasure having him around all these years, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
Ruth - anytime. I would have found it a lot easier to deal with, years ago, if I had had people to talk to - especially people who were supportive of my deep commitment to the relationship as well. Sometimes well-meaning friends tend to create greater tension by saying "how can you stand being with someone who is...xyz..." meaning, "so different from you" and "so different from us". In my case, and I suspect in yours, the differences in personality andtemperament are both an attraction and a challenge. They create tension, to be sure, but more than that, they've helped the relationship keep its vitality and continue to be interesting to both of us. At the same time, I'm pretty sure it's been helped by at least one of us being committed to a spiritual life and practice!!
Jean, I hope you're feeling better, too.
Mary, I hope this coming week brings you greater peace and freedom from your worries.
And all this cat talk is making me nostalgic. Ours died 4 years ago and because of all this travel it hasn't felt fair to get another - I look forward so much to the day when we can!
I sat again for 20 minutes this morning (Sunday). Although I've been away from the mat, returning to practice again has felt very natural, not like I've been *too* far away. I'm wondering if the daily writing I've been doing on the So-Called Novel is keeping my discipline muscle in shape, so it's not like starting my meditation practice over from scratch?
Ruth, I think what Beth said is very insightful. I think the usual wish is for both partners to have the SAME practice, and to do it with equal intensity. In reality, though, I think very few partners are so well matched...and that isn't necessarily bad! Beth's example goes to show that you can have a solid relationship without having identical spiritual practices...and Dale's example shows that people go in & out of practice over the long term.
I remember talking once to someone in my Zen school, and he said he wanted to marry someone who also practiced Zen so they could sit long retreats together. I asked if he wanted to have kids, and when he said yes, I pointed out that *one* of them would have to stay home to take care of the kids: something he hadn't thought about.
In my school at least, there often seems to be this sort of "yin/yang," if you will: one person who sits many retreats, and the other who tends the fort. Both practices are necessary, but they're certainly not the same. So having a partner who's practice is identical to yours isn't always (necessary) a great thing, especially if either/both of you are competitive and feel the need to "out practice" one another.
Post a Comment
<< Home