Good morning, all! It's another fine wintry day: the sun is shining brightly, not a cloud in sight, there's hardly any wind and the air is crisply cold. An ideal day for a walk down to the river, which I haven't done in weeks.
I realized while sitting this morning, that I am bone-tired - even fresh out of bed. I haven't been taking proper care of myself lately, bad (fast) food, not nearly enough rest and very little exercise. Time for a change, time to be a little more attentive to my own needs.
Good morning, everyone! I didn't sit yesterday: just a lazy Friday, my catch-up day for undone errands. But I *will* commit to next Friday's synchronous sit at 4pm GMT/11 am EST.
This morning I sat the usual 20 minutes but didn't do bows: maybe later, or maybe tomorrow. :-)
When I woke up, though, I was happy to discover myself actually looking forward to my "table time": the half hour or so I spend at my kitchen table writing longhand in my journal after breakfast. I started this habit/ritual about the same time we started this round of 100 days...so although I haven't yet started to notice a "positive addiction" to sitting, I am starting to notice myself looking forward to my morning quiet time.
I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before I start craving my meditation time in a similar way, seeing it as a daily gift to myself vs. an obligation I "have to" do because it's "good for me."
PS to Udge...in my evangelical Christian days, I went to a church where the minister used to say that "preparation for worship begins the night before," meaning you couldn't get up for church on Sunday morning if you stayed up late on Saturday night.
I think it's important to take care of these bodies we practice in. Meditation is important...but so is sleep, exercise, a healty diet, etc. If you really believe you're a latent Buddha, filled with the same spiritual potential as any revered teacher, why would you scrimp on your own self-care?
So, Udge & everyone, more self-pampering is necessary! Our practice depends on it. :-)
Hi everyone, sorry to have been so silent, I've been working hard and have been a few days behind on my blog reading.
What a great discussion about anger! I find that physical movement helps me if I'm really in the grips of the emotion - a fast walk, especially. Anger and fear are closely related and they manifest as excess energy in my body - not the good kind. If I can dissipate some of that energy through movement it helps me control my words and thoughts and get back to a place where I'm feeling more rational and less likely to hurt myself or others.
Ruth, this sounds SO hard! I have a suggestion you might try; I don't know, it sometimes works for me. When I am right next to great negativity it's like being near ice, near something cold and impenetrable. You can try opening your heart and sending love in this person's direction, visualizing it as an actual presence or warmth. I believe that when we do this somethign real occurs. He may not feel it consciously, but you will be doing something to help him eventually melt and change - this year, ten years from now. And you will be doing something positive that can help your own coping. Even if you just turn to that mode once a day for a few minutes, it may have some effect. Imagine what it must be like for this person - his behavior attracts exactly the opposite sort of energy from people constantly, so he must be subconsciously aware of coldness all around him, which in his case reinforces his terrible behavior. I'm not suggesting that you do something impossible or overt. And I am going to support you by trying to visualize the situation too. All I know is that I have done this silent practice with several difficult people for years without real hope, and I have seen a softening, avoided many outbursts, and in one case, after fifteen years, the person made a total turnaround. Love is a very powerful thing, but it is also very very hard to give it when you yourself feel drained and assaulted. Still, when we can do it in that situation, I think it is even more powerful. It helps to concentrate on your own wealth of joy and warmth, and then you can try to give out of that place.
having said all this - I want to tell you that for ten years I sat next to a woman in my choir who drove me NUTS and it took all my patience and love to keep going and not let the music be spoiled by my own intense irritation. Every rehearsal was a little practice-session of its own, and I never got over feeling the negative emotions completely!
It's funny the people who get right under our skin. I find there are people whom I cast in my minds eye as sort of parodies of myself -- like me in all the ways I dislike, only even more so -- and those people, though they're often quite inoffensive, drive me completely up the wall. There's one person who rotates through being "omze," as I do, at our center -- the person who leads the prayers & rings the bell and times the meditation. Nearly every time he's on, I get to spend an evening practicing with my irritation and intolerance. Just can't seem to leave it alone. Everything from the pitch of his voice to his hesitant manner of ringing the bell drives me up the wall.
I wish I had more dignified afflictions to practice with, but, as Pema Chodron says, you have to start where you are :-)
Oh, I wanted to say in response to Brenda a couple days ago and never did -- you spoke of other things than anger working to replace the real person with our conception of them -- I kept thinking about that, & I think that's maybe the biggest motivation for my Buddhist practice -- all of my attachments and aversions do that, really. To be able to connect with people as they are, rather than as I want them to be or fear them to be, that's the intimacy I'm looking for. Every one, (even Bob the omze! :->), is so much bigger and more complex and more wonderful than the little puppets I make up out of my fears and cravings.
I wasted so much time looking for the right people with whom to be intimate. As if that was the problem.
what lovely words from everyone, andthanks for your support. Wow!!!
Thank you Beth. I am continuing a loving kindness meditation towards my colleague. She softened for a short time...
At the same time I feel the power of tremendous anger. I am aware that there is a HUGE amount of power in there for me - not to go unacknowledged either; It feels to be about allowing myself to be rough at the edges and still be heard...
we are meanwhile trying to stay with our love of the music: my passion and joy amplified times 100 to compensate - quite something! - and yet just trying to stay where I am and be true.
Dale, I am so aware that he (actually he is a she really but I have to be careful) is exactly the thing I fear becoming; my worst tendencies are judgement and control gone MAD; I come from a judgemental, controlling family in which many of the matriachs were locked up for lunacy...
I am also aware that I am not alone and that I cannot take everything on as she is clearly a very sick person. (all of us, includiing the conductor, cannot bear her energy and are finding it very hard to be around and she may yet be sacked), so whilst seeing her gift as a mirror to my greatest fears, I am also trying to allow for the fact that it is not all my fault!
ps dale, as a fan of pema chodron, i have never linked her to that phrase, but in all the creative improvisation work i have done that was the golden rule (easier said than done!) - start where you are - and i still try to adhere to it every day. thank you for reminding me.
Hello all, lovely to read everyone's comments today.
Heavens Dale, you are speaking for me here in referring to people with whom you have difficulties: "Every one is so much bigger and more complex and more wonderful than the little puppets I make out of my fears and cravings".
I can take against people at the drop of a hat, generally because I believe (imagine) that they represent a threat to my ego and sense of self worth. And they're not difficult to threaten some days. Also in there is an unwillingness to admit, even to myself, that my judgements can ever be wrong. Self-righteousness and self-justification are not pretty at times. I have become aware of this a lot this past week and the first judgment I probably have to put to one side is my judgment and dislike of myself for doing all this.
Anyway, it's gone midnight here, and have just come in after a long day outside London, so am going to take Lorianne's advice and go to bed. Tomorrow (today :-)) I would like to meditate for longer than I have today, which was barely 5 minutes this morning.
Maybe others here would be as moved as I was to read "108 Bows of Repentance" on Soen Joon's site http://robeandbowl.blogspot.com/2006/01/repentence-addendum.html
There are also ome wonderful comments, including several by our Lorianne. I've printed out this litany and am making a commitment to use it at least once a week; whether I do the bows or not, just reading it slowly to myself and being mindful of my breathing while I did it was something...well...moving and helpful. But it was more than that.
Dale, your writing, the way you think, your honesty resonates- I always learn from you. What I care most about, feel is my only real 'goal' (if there is such a thing), is intimacy. You reminded me. And it's been resonating ever since.
Intimacy is trust.
Beyond that I can't define it. It is perhaps being naked emotionally and not afraid that you are going to be hurt because you've let yourself become vulnerable.
It's a most difficult state to achieve, even within myself- I'm often very hard on myself. And with those who are closest to me, when there are arguments, which is normal from time to time, trust can be shattered again and again. The desire for intimacy means I have to recreate trust each time, and it does happen (I'm particularly thinking of my kids, who I'm closest to), and I've learnt to trust that.
On the question of working with people who irritate me, oh, I'm such a recluse, and the work I do is always in different offices, that I barely experience those kinds of confrontations with my own set of 'comfort parameters.' But I know I can irritate other people because I'm way too self-contained, always smiling, too smart & well educated for what I'm doing, and I don't open up my depths easily. I just kind of breeze through places and there are certain women who just react. I can see it in their body language and in the colours around them. And the worst part is sometimes I play with it, allowing whatever it is about me to rub against them without attempting to depotentiate it by being extra nice, or whatever (which never works anyhow).
Often I think, 'If I could get you into one of my yoga classes, and relax you with the exercice and then take you on a journey during the relaxation sequence, we'd find we're really not that different and we'd probably find that we like each other.'
But that's smug of me, and I know it.
Other than escaping, which I'm good at, I have no idea how to handle these situations.
When someone doesn't like me, it's hard to deal with. There's nothing I can do about it, either. That's where a laissez-faire attitude helps, c'est la vie. But it still cuts, and causes some kind of humiliation, and anger at the unfairness. Then I need to protect myself, especially if it's moved into the open, which is the opposite of the intimacy that I seek on all levels.
It's where I leave Lao Tsi and go to Confucius! Sometimes it's good to withdraw and hide; other times it's good to come out and shine. It's sensing what's safest. Ah, the politics of interating with each other!
11 Comments:
Good morning, all! It's another fine wintry day: the sun is shining brightly, not a cloud in sight, there's hardly any wind and the air is crisply cold. An ideal day for a walk down to the river, which I haven't done in weeks.
I realized while sitting this morning, that I am bone-tired - even fresh out of bed. I haven't been taking proper care of myself lately, bad (fast) food, not nearly enough rest and very little exercise. Time for a change, time to be a little more attentive to my own needs.
The ducks are calling, I must go.
Good morning, everyone! I didn't sit yesterday: just a lazy Friday, my catch-up day for undone errands. But I *will* commit to next Friday's synchronous sit at 4pm GMT/11 am EST.
This morning I sat the usual 20 minutes but didn't do bows: maybe later, or maybe tomorrow. :-)
When I woke up, though, I was happy to discover myself actually looking forward to my "table time": the half hour or so I spend at my kitchen table writing longhand in my journal after breakfast. I started this habit/ritual about the same time we started this round of 100 days...so although I haven't yet started to notice a "positive addiction" to sitting, I am starting to notice myself looking forward to my morning quiet time.
I'm hoping it's only a matter of time before I start craving my meditation time in a similar way, seeing it as a daily gift to myself vs. an obligation I "have to" do because it's "good for me."
PS to Udge...in my evangelical Christian days, I went to a church where the minister used to say that "preparation for worship begins the night before," meaning you couldn't get up for church on Sunday morning if you stayed up late on Saturday night.
I think it's important to take care of these bodies we practice in. Meditation is important...but so is sleep, exercise, a healty diet, etc. If you really believe you're a latent Buddha, filled with the same spiritual potential as any revered teacher, why would you scrimp on your own self-care?
So, Udge & everyone, more self-pampering is necessary! Our practice depends on it. :-)
Hi everyone, sorry to have been so silent, I've been working hard and have been a few days behind on my blog reading.
What a great discussion about anger! I find that physical movement helps me if I'm really in the grips of the emotion - a fast walk, especially. Anger and fear are closely related and they manifest as excess energy in my body - not the good kind. If I can dissipate some of that energy through movement it helps me control my words and thoughts and get back to a place where I'm feeling more rational and less likely to hurt myself or others.
Ruth, this sounds SO hard! I have a suggestion you might try; I don't know, it sometimes works for me. When I am right next to great negativity it's like being near ice, near something cold and impenetrable. You can try opening your heart and sending love in this person's direction, visualizing it as an actual presence or warmth. I believe that when we do this somethign real occurs. He may not feel it consciously, but you will be doing something to help him eventually melt and change - this year, ten years from now. And you will be doing something positive that can help your own coping. Even if you just turn to that mode once a day for a few minutes, it may have some effect. Imagine what it must be like for this person - his behavior attracts exactly the opposite sort of energy from people constantly, so he must be subconsciously aware of coldness all around him, which in his case reinforces his terrible behavior. I'm not suggesting that you do something impossible or overt. And I am going to support you by trying to visualize the situation too. All I know is that I have done this silent practice with several difficult people for years without real hope, and I have seen a softening, avoided many outbursts, and in one case, after fifteen years, the person made a total turnaround. Love is a very powerful thing, but it is also very very hard to give it when you yourself feel drained and assaulted. Still, when we can do it in that situation, I think it is even more powerful. It helps to concentrate on your own wealth of joy and warmth, and then you can try to give out of that place.
having said all this - I want to tell you that for ten years I sat next to a woman in my choir who drove me NUTS and it took all my patience and love to keep going and not let the music be spoiled by my own intense irritation. Every rehearsal was a little practice-session of its own, and I never got over feeling the negative emotions completely!
It's funny the people who get right under our skin. I find there are people whom I cast in my minds eye as sort of parodies of myself -- like me in all the ways I dislike, only even more so -- and those people, though they're often quite inoffensive, drive me completely up the wall. There's one person who rotates through being "omze," as I do, at our center -- the person who leads the prayers & rings the bell and times the meditation. Nearly every time he's on, I get to spend an evening practicing with my irritation and intolerance. Just can't seem to leave it alone. Everything from the pitch of his voice to his hesitant manner of ringing the bell drives me up the wall.
I wish I had more dignified afflictions to practice with, but, as Pema Chodron says, you have to start where you are :-)
Oh, I wanted to say in response to Brenda a couple days ago and never did -- you spoke of other things than anger working to replace the real person with our conception of them -- I kept thinking about that, & I think that's maybe the biggest motivation for my Buddhist practice -- all of my attachments and aversions do that, really. To be able to connect with people as they are, rather than as I want them to be or fear them to be, that's the intimacy I'm looking for. Every one, (even Bob the omze! :->), is so much bigger and more complex and more wonderful than the little puppets I make up out of my fears and cravings.
I wasted so much time looking for the right people with whom to be intimate. As if that was the problem.
(Word verification: udgselo. Udge's hello?)
what lovely words from everyone, andthanks for your support. Wow!!!
Thank you Beth. I am continuing a loving kindness meditation towards my colleague. She softened for a short time...
At the same time I feel the power of tremendous anger. I am aware that there is a HUGE amount of power in there for me - not to go unacknowledged either; It feels to be about allowing myself to be rough at the edges and still be heard...
we are meanwhile trying to stay with our love of the music: my passion and joy amplified times 100 to compensate - quite something! - and yet just trying to stay where I am and be true.
Dale, I am so aware that he (actually he is a she really but I have to be careful) is exactly the thing I fear becoming; my worst tendencies are judgement and control gone MAD; I come from a judgemental, controlling family in which many of the matriachs were locked up for lunacy...
I am also aware that I am not alone and that I cannot take everything on as she is clearly a very sick person. (all of us, includiing the conductor, cannot bear her energy and are finding it very hard to be around and she may yet be sacked), so whilst seeing her gift as a mirror to my greatest fears, I am also trying to allow for the fact that it is not all my fault!
woah....!
good night everyone. peace! xx
ps dale, as a fan of pema chodron, i have never linked her to that phrase, but in all the creative improvisation work i have done that was the golden rule (easier said than done!) - start where you are - and i still try to adhere to it every day. thank you for reminding me.
Hello all, lovely to read everyone's comments today.
Heavens Dale, you are speaking for me here in referring to people with whom you have difficulties:
"Every one is so much bigger and more complex and more wonderful than the little puppets I make out of my fears and cravings".
I can take against people at the drop of a hat, generally because I believe (imagine) that they represent a threat to my ego and sense of self worth. And they're not difficult to threaten some days. Also in there is an unwillingness to admit, even to myself, that my judgements can ever be wrong. Self-righteousness and self-justification are not pretty at times. I have become aware of this a lot this past week and the first judgment I probably have to put to one side is my judgment and dislike of myself for doing all this.
Anyway, it's gone midnight here, and have just come in after a long day outside London, so am going to take Lorianne's advice and go to bed. Tomorrow (today :-)) I would like to meditate for longer than I have today, which was barely 5 minutes this morning.
Maybe others here would be as moved as I was to read "108 Bows of Repentance" on Soen Joon's site
http://robeandbowl.blogspot.com/2006/01/repentence-addendum.html
There are also ome wonderful comments, including several by our Lorianne. I've printed out this litany and am making a commitment to use it at least once a week; whether I do the bows or not, just reading it slowly to myself and being mindful of my breathing while I did it was something...well...moving and helpful. But it was more than that.
Dale, your writing, the way you think, your honesty resonates- I always learn from you. What I care most about, feel is my only real 'goal' (if there is such a thing), is intimacy. You reminded me. And it's been resonating ever since.
Intimacy is trust.
Beyond that I can't define it. It is perhaps being naked emotionally and not afraid that you are going to be hurt because you've let yourself become vulnerable.
It's a most difficult state to achieve, even within myself- I'm often very hard on myself. And with those who are closest to me, when there are arguments, which is normal from time to time, trust can be shattered again and again. The desire for intimacy means I have to recreate trust each time, and it does happen (I'm particularly thinking of my kids, who I'm closest to), and I've learnt to trust that.
On the question of working with people who irritate me, oh, I'm such a recluse, and the work I do is always in different offices, that I barely experience those kinds of confrontations with my own set of 'comfort parameters.' But I know I can irritate other people because I'm way too self-contained, always smiling, too smart & well educated for what I'm doing, and I don't open up my depths easily. I just kind of breeze through places and there are certain women who just react. I can see it in their body language and in the colours around them. And the worst part is sometimes I play with it, allowing whatever it is about me to rub against them without attempting to depotentiate it by being extra nice, or whatever (which never works anyhow).
Often I think, 'If I could get you into one of my yoga classes, and relax you with the exercice and then take you on a journey during the relaxation sequence, we'd find we're really not that different and we'd probably find that we like each other.'
But that's smug of me, and I know it.
Other than escaping, which I'm good at, I have no idea how to handle these situations.
When someone doesn't like me, it's hard to deal with. There's nothing I can do about it, either. That's where a laissez-faire attitude helps, c'est la vie. But it still cuts, and causes some kind of humiliation, and anger at the unfairness. Then I need to protect myself, especially if it's moved into the open, which is the opposite of the intimacy that I seek on all levels.
It's where I leave Lao Tsi and go to Confucius! Sometimes it's good to withdraw and hide; other times it's good to come out and shine. It's sensing what's safest. Ah, the politics of interating with each other!
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