Okay, I need to repair my commitment. Last night I lost my temper, hissed "will you be quiet!" at my son and his two friends, who were lingering an hour after they'd promised to be finished with their game, boisterous and loud as if Martha wasn't sleeping upstairs.
I don't lose my temper much. Once or twice a year, maybe, do I speak in anger like this. And always it derails me. After that, there was no chance I was going to sit. No chance I was going to get to sleep myself till the not-so-small hours. I hate it. I hate the plaque of self-righteousness clotting in my arteries, the petulant rebellious self-indulgence that always follows, the deliberately making myself sick with food or drink in order to punish everyone for not being more convenient.
Okay. Three in the morning. Maybe I can sleep now.
-- Just said my prayers and sat for a few minutes. I don't think I can back-date that to before midnight, though :-) But I'm coming back up.
Good night (or good morning, or whatever it is where you are), all! Thank you for letting me fuss.
Dale thank you for this. All the words with which you decribe your feelings ring true for me too and I hate myself for it, especially that people are not 'more convenient'. It's funny you should mention food and drink because through this practice I am becoming aware of a little link there which might turn out to be big. Thank you for your honesty and for letting me dare to feel it too.
Today the crowd went out and the incessant (and essentially harmless) family banter stopped. I have been feeling very like you and have been removing myself alot (instead of bursting with anger) and drinking far too much. yesterday I felt so sad that I was disabling my commitment not just to this but to life and jeopardising myself. For all the reasons you mention.
Today I sat quietly for the first time in a few days. It was only 15 minutes but I went back to my image of the tide (although I have had to modify my big surf waves to little lappings that fit my breath!), of the earth's breathing and at one still point I became the shore. I was aware when thoughts came they were never of the present and of their clinging nature....it felt good. No huge revelations yet but some knowledge of something seeping in slowly.
They're coming back in a couple of hours with two more and I'm leaving on tour tomorrow so gad to have had a little moment.
I'll do my best over the next few days on tour. Lots of travelling and rehearsing so I will have to commit to morning sitting. It'll be good to know you are all out there.
Ruth, we'll be thinking of you. Have productive and safe travels!
Dale, yes. I hate being angry; and then looking to numb out. Ay. I find this particularly hard from the position of a parent because the child (as any person does) is only doing the best she can. And she's a really good kid/person. The key for me is staying alert to my needs and asking for what I need before it all escalates, but that's way easier said than done, surprisingly.
Oh, thank you, Ruth, for that understanding and encouragement!
Sat for a few minutes before getting out of bed this morning.
Still not quite sure how best to handle the weekends -- always my hardest times. (By which I mean Friday and Saturday -- Sunday I can lean on the sangha.) One thing the difficulty points up, anyway, is that my general perception that it's my time commitments that get in the way of my practice is exactly wrong :-)
Yeah, the point of leverage was not right before I lost my temper. It was half an hour earlier, when I should have been repeating and elaborating to these kids (who are very sweet tempered) why I needed them to quiet down and clear out. (I have the "engineer's speech impediment" -- I find it terribly difficult to repeat myself, even when it's the appropriate thing to do.)
so I feel like a nutter when I walk in to my husband's studio where he is quietly working informing him that i am going to meditate now especially as he does not say 'how marvellous darling' but rather grunts but there we go. it works. how old does a kid have to be to understand, I don't know, but my cats are getting pretty tuned in!!
dale, have you thought about going outside to meditate? i'm an expert in removing myself with so much time spent on tour which is like being in a big family of needy children!
Dale, you only lose your temper once or twice a YEAR? And you beat yourself up over it?
When I lose my temper (which is far more often than that, although real outburst only happens rarely) it is almost always because other people are driving me crazy. It's really hard (and so normal) to feel boxed in and irritated by lack of control over one's own physical space, which becomes one's emotional space very fast.
Well, can I climb aboard too? What a relief to read the above posts.
Dale: What Beth says! [Hug]. But I do understand the wretchedness that comes after one's own anger outburst.
I did sit today, and am lucky that I find I am able to do so. The last few days have been internally difficult with a lot of fear and self-condemnation that I really don't want to be with.
My commitment to staying away from the net on Saturdays needs repair this week as it is damaged. I therefore putting it in for repair to run from 10.00am Sunday to 10.00 am Monday.
I got sober 12 years ago after increasingly out of control drinking and its the best thing I've done. However, the over-developed escape mechanism within me is live and kicking still. I now use food, over-isolation, internet, whatever. In times of stress my default is to escape.
I am hoping the meditation will gently show me that there is another way. Reprogram my hard drive, or at least provide an ever-accessible floppy disk to over-ride it!
Mary, I've been wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you spoke up here. I admire the work you are doing to take care of yourself right now.
Why is it sometimes so hard for us to take good care of ourselves? I would think the easiest work would start at the center and radiate out with more difficulty, but for me it is the opposite. I have been trying to change this in a small way by reaching for and staying with a feeling of love/compassion as I sit. Like a warm blanket gathered round. When I can. That and remembering (when I can) that to be human is to make mistakes, and that to make mistakes is to have an opportunity to learn and change, and that the going there is as important as the endpoint. So much to remember that doesn't come as second nature!
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Okay, I need to repair my commitment. Last night I lost my temper, hissed "will you be quiet!" at my son and his two friends, who were lingering an hour after they'd promised to be finished with their game, boisterous and loud as if Martha wasn't sleeping upstairs.
I don't lose my temper much. Once or twice a year, maybe, do I speak in anger like this. And always it derails me. After that, there was no chance I was going to sit. No chance I was going to get to sleep myself till the not-so-small hours. I hate it. I hate the plaque of self-righteousness clotting in my arteries, the petulant rebellious self-indulgence that always follows, the deliberately making myself sick with food or drink in order to punish everyone for not being more convenient.
Okay. Three in the morning. Maybe I can sleep now.
-- Just said my prayers and sat for a few minutes. I don't think I can back-date that to before midnight, though :-) But I'm coming back up.
Good night (or good morning, or whatever it is where you are), all! Thank you for letting me fuss.
Dale thank you for this. All the words with which you decribe your feelings ring true for me too and I hate myself for it, especially that people are not 'more convenient'. It's funny you should mention food and drink because through this practice I am becoming aware of a little link there which might turn out to be big. Thank you for your honesty and for letting me dare to feel it too.
Today the crowd went out and the incessant (and essentially harmless) family banter stopped. I have been feeling very like you and have been removing myself alot (instead of bursting with anger) and drinking far too much. yesterday I felt so sad that I was disabling my commitment not just to this but to life and jeopardising myself. For all the reasons you mention.
Today I sat quietly for the first time in a few days. It was only 15 minutes but I went back to my image of the tide (although I have had to modify my big surf waves to little lappings that fit my breath!), of the earth's breathing and at one still point I became the shore. I was aware when thoughts came they were never of the present and of their clinging nature....it felt good. No huge revelations yet but some knowledge of something seeping in slowly.
They're coming back in a couple of hours with two more and I'm leaving on tour tomorrow so gad to have had a little moment.
I'll do my best over the next few days on tour. Lots of travelling and rehearsing so I will have to commit to morning sitting. It'll be good to know you are all out there.
Ruth, we'll be thinking of you. Have productive and safe travels!
Dale, yes. I hate being angry; and then looking to numb out. Ay. I find this particularly hard from the position of a parent because the child (as any person does) is only doing the best she can. And she's a really good kid/person. The key for me is staying alert to my needs and asking for what I need before it all escalates, but that's way easier said than done, surprisingly.
15 minutes this morning.
Oh, thank you, Ruth, for that understanding and encouragement!
Sat for a few minutes before getting out of bed this morning.
Still not quite sure how best to handle the weekends -- always my hardest times. (By which I mean Friday and Saturday -- Sunday I can lean on the sangha.) One thing the difficulty points up, anyway, is that my general perception that it's my time commitments that get in the way of my practice is exactly wrong :-)
Love to you all
Jinx! Moose --
Yeah, the point of leverage was not right before I lost my temper. It was half an hour earlier, when I should have been repeating and elaborating to these kids (who are very sweet tempered) why I needed them to quiet down and clear out. (I have the "engineer's speech impediment" -- I find it terribly difficult to repeat myself, even when it's the appropriate thing to do.)
so I feel like a nutter when I walk in to my husband's studio where he is quietly working informing him that i am going to meditate now especially as he does not say 'how marvellous darling' but rather grunts but there we go. it works. how old does a kid have to be to understand, I don't know, but my cats are getting pretty tuned in!!
dale, have you thought about going outside to meditate? i'm an expert in removing myself with so much time spent on tour which is like being in a big family of needy children!
Dale, you only lose your temper once or twice a YEAR? And you beat yourself up over it?
When I lose my temper (which is far more often than that, although real outburst only happens rarely) it is almost always because other people are driving me crazy. It's really hard (and so normal) to feel boxed in and irritated by lack of control over one's own physical space, which becomes one's emotional space very fast.
I'm glad you felt like you could fuss here ;)
Well, can I climb aboard too? What a relief to read the above posts.
Dale: What Beth says! [Hug]. But I do understand the wretchedness that comes after one's own anger outburst.
I did sit today, and am lucky that I find I am able to do so. The last few days have been internally difficult with a lot of fear and self-condemnation that I really don't want to be with.
My commitment to staying away from the net on Saturdays needs repair this week as it is damaged. I therefore putting it in for repair to run from 10.00am Sunday to 10.00 am Monday.
I got sober 12 years ago after increasingly out of control drinking and its the best thing I've done. However, the over-developed escape mechanism within me is live and kicking still. I now use food, over-isolation, internet, whatever. In times of stress my default is to escape.
I am hoping the meditation will gently show me that there is another way. Reprogram my hard drive, or at least provide an ever-accessible floppy disk to over-ride it!
"today" in the above post means Saturday even though I am posting on Sunday!
15 minutes this morning.
Mary, I've been wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you spoke up here. I admire the work you are doing to take care of yourself right now.
Why is it sometimes so hard for us to take good care of ourselves? I would think the easiest work would start at the center and radiate out with more difficulty, but for me it is the opposite. I have been trying to change this in a small way by reaching for and staying with a feeling of love/compassion as I sit. Like a warm blanket gathered round. When I can. That and remembering (when I can) that to be human is to make mistakes, and that to make mistakes is to have an opportunity to learn and change, and that the going there is as important as the endpoint. So much to remember that doesn't come as second nature!
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