A real test for my practice. I've been here all day and not got on with large and tedious job, so now I'm going to be here all evening, and I hate myself, and one breath at a time is the only way. One...
Thanks Dale. Same to you. Miss you around here and sending good thoughts.
Ouf, got work done. That was a useful and interesting exercise. Did pretty much manage to do it one breath/minute/small task at a time and without anger. Still here after 9 pm quite unnecessarily, though. Will try and take this attitude next time before I start procrastinating, not when desperation reached!
I know those jobs ... yuk. I'm not sure it would ever occur to me to meditate my way through such a task - I shall try to bear it in mind for the future!
I think this mindfulness is hard to shake. I am finding it difficult to take comfort in those small familiar self-destructive behaviours which have been a touchstone for so long ... which I suppose should be reassuring :)
I just realised that I am feeling a little more at ease with myself this evening than I have in a long time. I think rather perversely it is because I saw my new doctor this afternoon and she confirmed that yes, I am definitely unwell and it needs to be taken seriously ... so my anxiety that I was a whining malingerer has evaporated. Funnily enough my pain is much more bearable now that I'm not constantly questioning whether I might just be being a wimp.
I meditated early this morning at the community garden where I have a plot. Birds, changing bands of light from the rising sun, shades of green, dew on the plants, chipmonks, squirrels.
The trees, they witness it all. Birds appear to lead an ideal life, flitting from here to there. Birds do not witness,they blend in.
Humans, we act. We cannot witness and we cannot blend in. The age old burden of our beliefs and values is like an armour. An armour that never really protects us from our fears.
very wise arthur. i often feel that same sentiment observing animals.
Still struggling with masses of rage. rage at being asked to be who I'm not, to play LOUDER and MORE VULGAR all the time; at being treated like a student; at hotel incompetence....but the anger feels somehow clean. better than resentment.
haven't managed to sit for a couple of days - was in Vienna and not to bed till 4am catching up with a friend. Tomorrow I am off to meet my Romeo in verona for 2 days. Can't wait. Need to be held not scolded right now.
Beth I agree so much with what you say, and it is such a help to have people speak out these monsters as we gather here in the hope of a better world.
yes, it's comforting to hear your voice, dale, even monosyllabic! Love to you all.
7 Comments:
A real test for my practice. I've been here all day and not got on with large and tedious job, so now I'm going to be here all evening, and I hate myself, and one breath at a time is the only way. One...
{{{Jean}}}
Later:
Thanks Dale. Same to you. Miss you around here and sending good thoughts.
Ouf, got work done. That was a useful and interesting exercise. Did pretty much manage to do it one breath/minute/small task at a time and without anger. Still here after 9 pm quite unnecessarily, though. Will try and take this attitude next time before I start procrastinating, not when desperation reached!
well done Jean!
I know those jobs ... yuk. I'm not sure it would ever occur to me to meditate my way through such a task - I shall try to bear it in mind for the future!
I think this mindfulness is hard to shake. I am finding it difficult to take comfort in those small familiar self-destructive behaviours which have been a touchstone for so long ... which I suppose should be reassuring :)
I just realised that I am feeling a little more at ease with myself this evening than I have in a long time. I think rather perversely it is because I saw my new doctor this afternoon and she confirmed that yes, I am definitely unwell and it needs to be taken seriously ... so my anxiety that I was a whining malingerer has evaporated. Funnily enough my pain is much more bearable now that I'm not constantly questioning whether I might just be being a wimp.
Brains eh?
I meditated early this morning at the community garden where I have a plot. Birds, changing bands of light from the rising sun, shades of green, dew on the plants, chipmonks, squirrels.
The trees, they witness it all. Birds appear to lead an ideal life, flitting from here to there. Birds do not witness,they blend in.
Humans, we act. We cannot witness and we cannot blend in. The age old burden of our beliefs and values is like an armour. An armour that never really protects us from our fears.
Arthur
((((((((Jean))))))))))))
You're not alone.
very wise arthur. i often feel that same sentiment observing animals.
Still struggling with masses of rage. rage at being asked to be who I'm not, to play LOUDER and MORE VULGAR all the time; at being treated like a student; at hotel incompetence....but the anger feels somehow clean. better than resentment.
haven't managed to sit for a couple of days - was in Vienna and not to bed till 4am catching up with a friend. Tomorrow I am off to meet my Romeo in verona for 2 days. Can't wait. Need to be held not scolded right now.
Beth I agree so much with what you say, and it is such a help to have people speak out these monsters as we gather here in the hope of a better world.
yes, it's comforting to hear your voice, dale, even monosyllabic! Love to you all.
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